Juzme

2010-11-18T21:04:00.003+08:00

Obsessed

Why is it that we always fail to see the ones that are closest to us? Were we really blinded by love? Or is it simply an innate need to challenge ourselves and try to get what we cannot have? So much so that we tend to neglect the ones right before our eyes.

Perhaps if we just stopped and took a look around us, we will see the people there waiting for us. Waiting for us to acknowledge their presence and finally appreciate them.

Alot of us spend our entire lives chasing after clouds and wisps of smoke that we can never grasp and never see the ones helping us everytime we fall in our never ending chase.

Everyone has friends. It's just whether you see them. It's just whether you ever stopped to reach out to them, and tell them you will do the same for them if they ever fail.

Whenever you are most depressed, look through your phonebook. SOMEONE will be there for you to listen to your troubles. Even the least likely one that you have never felt that you are close to. They just might surprise you.

Know that at least someone out there cares.

At least I do.

I love you, girl. Stay strong.

xoxo Nikki

2010-09-04T03:43:00.002+08:00

Dreams Are What Makes Living Worthwhile

When we were young, we believed in anything. Impossible was uncomprehensible. A blanket over the shoulders and we were kings and queens and superman. A blanket over our heads we were in our secret hidaway in a cave.

My point is, when we were young, dreams came true. We believed in everything and we made things come true. We believed we could be anything we wanted to be, go wherever we wanted to go. There are no limits. We believed in magic, in fairytales, in dreams come true.

But somewhere along the way, we lost that believe. As we grew older, that innocence is shattered. Reality set in. Life kicks in and you realize, you can't be EVERYTHING you wanted to be. There ARE things out there that's impossible to achieve.

Somewhere, along the way, we stopped believing.

Why did we stop believing? Do children have more ambition that adults? Or more ignorance? Men dreamt of going to the moon, we did it. Not EVERYONE went on to the moon. But we proved it was possible. So what else have you dreamt of that is impossible?

Does impossiblity only belong to those who did not dare to dream? They say only the perfect looking can ever be stars. What about Susan Boyle? She dreamt. She's living her dreams now. That only the stick-thin can be models. Tell me, are the VS models stick-thin?

You say these are exceptions. They got lucky. But they dared to try and they dared to dream. Do you? By saying it's impossible, you are limiting yourself from your dreams. Who knew you could teach guys to pick girls up and earn a living from it? Look at Spidey and Mystery and all those PUAs out there.

What I'm saying is. Dream. And don't stop dreaming. NEVER stop dreaming.

Of course, there are ridiculous dreams such as wanting to be a frog, or a fish. Or a mermaid. Impossiblity will go hand in hand with Laziness and Wishfulness. If it had a third hand, it would be holding on to Ridiculous.

So keep your feet planted firmly in reality. And Dream, of the Impossible.

2010-07-27T21:08:00.002+08:00

I Love Me!!!

Staying at home has been concluded as being unconducive to my well-being.

But whatever.

Point is... I went out with Carmen darling today!!!

Was supposed to watch Inception with her friends, but all the shows that they can make for are sold out. Then by the time we got around to deciding that we will just forget about her friends and watch ourselves, ALL the shows are out. =(

In the end we ate at Shokudo and then shopped around 313. We got ourselves so freaking tired we were stoning and dragging out feets around. Haha... So we went home! Had fun fun fun today though!

Home seems to be associated with unhappy feelings. I guess its because for a very long time I have been depressed at home. I feel like I should get over it. But Carmen says I ought to take it slow and let things be for awhile cause eventually they will right themselves out. I should ease myself out of it instead of expecting instant results.

But the more I'm rutting, the more I'm afraid it's going to be harder to get out.

2010-07-16T18:24:00.003+08:00

Lack of Confidence

I hate my life now. I feel so bitter all the time and there is no purpose in my life. I don't know what to do with myself.

Seriously, sometimes I wonder what am I living for. Everything just seem to keep going wrong. For a moment last time, I thought things were finally making a change for the better. But now it seems things are going downhill again.

I hate the fact that things are out of my control. I really think I should change my mindset and the things that I am centering my life around. But if I really be honest with myself, I don't really want to change.

I'm too tired to change. I feel like I have been trying so hard for so long I don't want to do this anymore. I feel like even if I change nothing will be different.

My life right now is meaningless. No friend or boyfriend is going to make me feel differently about this. I'm too tired to attempt to improve my life.

I'm in a rut.

And I just feel like dying.

I don't know what to do with myself and most of the time I feel like just breaking down and crying. I'm just living day to day in a dream trying to pull myself through. But if I were really serious with myself, it's not working.

I keep wanting to go out. I hate my house. There are so many things in my home that I cannot stand. But when I'm out, I just want to go and hide. I don't want to keep pretending to be fine with my friends. But at the same time, I don't want to be alone. I don't know what to do.

I really really really want all of these to just stop. Can't all these bad things just stop? I mean really stop and don't come back. It was getting better but then now it just started to get worse.

I'm so frustrated and I really want to just cry. But it's not going to make anything better.

I feel like killing myself.

Please just stop being mean to me. I can't take this anymore.

2010-06-30T20:06:00.003+08:00

How Can It Be?

I don't understand why none of you can see it. It seems glaringly obvious to me.

When I look in the mirror all I see is the scar. I know I'm rutting. But seriously. I don't see why you can't see it.

Sometimes I wonder how can I live with myself like that? Trudging through life. I cannot step out of my own shadow.

It hurts to see him happy. Not cause I'm jealous. I just don't think he deserves this happiness. I don't think he deserves to be happy. If he don't suffer, I feel like it's unjustified.

I'm suffering. For his actions.

I'm I getting back into depression again?

Seems like it. But I don't think so. My life now is perfect. The only flaw is the asshole. Now if I can get him to return me my money...

Perfectness can only be so good.

2010-05-25T00:16:00.002+08:00

Me In The Mirror

I have this image in my head.

I'm standing naked in front of my mirror. I'm flabergasted and disgusted by my scars. I lift up a pair of scissors and plunge it in me.

So now tell me again.

Why am I afraid of falling asleep at night?

I'm scared.

2010-05-07T17:18:00.002+08:00

An Exciting Life.

Wheee!!! My life is getting more fun! Received $800 in the form of Bursary Reimbursement and I can finally change my phone! =D Pre-ordered the White BlackBerry Bold 9700. I can't wait to get it!!! My poor phone is already in an unusable state. =(

Oh... And yesterday I fell down outside the Malaysian Customs at 2nd Link. So embarrassing... But at least I was in too much pain to feel embarrassed immediately. =X I was stunned until we boarded the bus again and Qiyuan roused me by cleaning the wound for me. =X

I'm so so so sleepy... ZzZzZ...

Currently I have many plans that are on-going. Hopefully, all of them can go through. So very very tired though. Haiz...

Oh ya... I do not understand why until now you have not changed. Things are still my fault huh? It never is your fault.

2010-04-12T21:46:00.002+08:00

NEVER Trust HairStylists

Against my better judgment, I decided to get my hair cut today in Tampines cause I couldn't stand my fringe getting in my way. Not surprisingly, I lived to regret it.

My nice long hair that was finally reaching my tail-bone after all these years of careful trimming, is now reaching only mid-back. Cause the annoying stylist insisted on trimming my ends even though I asked him to leave them alone. Haiz... So in true stylist style, he chopped them off, making me a very sad girl.

From hair almost reaching my tail-bone now it's mid back. Haiz... I know my hair ends were dry. But do you have to honestly cut off so much!?

Really very depressed now...

2010-04-07T02:06:00.002+08:00

My Fucked Up Ankle...

Omg... It's hurting me like crazy. This pain seems to be in my bones and I can't get it out.

Wrapped up in ankle guard and under my blankie it's still so painful...

I feel like crying...

Please please please stop hurting.

2010-04-06T23:23:00.002+08:00

My Poor Phone

I finally remembered the thing that was bugging me that I wanted to blog about.

It's my phone!

As each day passes the hinge gets looser and feel like it's going to break soon. Haiz... I think I should just get a random cheap phone. I will just DIE if I have to go without a phone.

Haiz...

I want the Nokia X6 or N97mini.

I don't know which to get.

Or should I get the Samsung Diva or Olivia?

I'm too tired to think straight and my foot hurts like mad. I was even a good girl wearing flats today!

This is so damn annoying...

2010-04-06T18:08:00.003+08:00

A Very Epic Day

First thing in the morning we missed flag-raising. =(

For one we were late and not allowed in the school. So very very sad.

Going to school so freaking early in the morning waking up at 5am is so reminicient of the old school days. =X But sadly we were not allowed in the school due to some stupid new school rules. =( So disappointing.

But anyway we travelled all the way to Pasir Ris for Superdog which is super duper yummy!! Melts... =D Stayed there for like hours! Just chatting and munching. Hehe...

Went to K9 after to get my shoes which I blurrily forgot to bring home. -.-'' Had fun playing with the doggies there. Haha...

Then... We went home. =X Kinda early to be home but my ankle was totally busted and giving me problems again. Haiz... I guess I cannot delude myself and forgo the ankle guard anymore. So however nice I look I will ruin it with an ugly ankle guard. Haiz...

Saw some traumatising things today. Pre-teen boys wearing white swimming trunks. -.-'' In the pool at SAJC by the highway. WTF is completely right.

Haiz... I'm awfully tired now sleeping at 3am and waking up at 5am.

I'm gonna nap!

2010-04-05T17:03:00.002+08:00

Finally.

Ohana means family. Family means no one gets forgotten or left behind.

I love Lilo and Stitch.

I finally finished watching K.O. San Guo. Took me so damn long. -.-''

Very very lame show. But so very very touching.

Now I dunno what to watch le... I think there's alot of show I want to watch but cannot remember what they are. =X

I'm so freaking tired. I want to go clubbing. I miss you like crazy.

2010-04-04T18:11:00.002+08:00

Super Sianz Day

Went to Sensei today for my sprained again ankle then stoned the whole day at home. Omg... I want to sleep!!

I actually wanted to blog about something but I'm soo sleepy to remember what is it. =X

Nvm... I'll blog again when I remember.

2010-04-03T02:18:00.001+08:00

How Very Very Annoying

It's so typical that I couldn't sleep and went to my 'favourite' person's blog to read my favourite post to cheer myself up only to find that the post is missing!!!

Haiz...

Nvm...

So much for cheering myself up.

ZzZzZ...

2010-04-03T01:06:00.002+08:00

Another Sprain Again

I sprained my ankle again!! Today at work Gigi knocked into me and caused my ankle to swell into HUGE proportions again. This time round it is even bigger than the last time.

I kept telling everyone it doesn't hurt though, cause I need to continue working. But it hurts so much more than last time. =( Omg... I can't even see a doctor until Monday. =X

After work met Sylvester up for dinner at T1's Popeye's Chicken but I had no appetite at all so I didn't eat much. =( Miss my korkor like crazy!! We were talking and realise we haven't met for like a year or so. -.-''

So... Meeting korkor tomorrow again early in the morning so we can go part-way together, me to work, him to his girlfriend's house. Omg, I'm damn jealous can? Apparently he goes his girlfriend's house early pretty often to make breakfast for her. Is that sweet and romantic or what?

I wish I had a boyfriend to do such stuff for me. =(

I wish huh...

I'm so damn tired. My ankle is throbbing!!!

*sobz*

2010-03-31T12:54:00.001+08:00

My BubbleWorld

Just for a moment, I want to forget everything and live in my very own bubble world. My BubbleWorld colored in Pink and Rainbows and filled with, Chocolate, Marshmallow and Candy Floss. A place where Unicorns and cute Piggies roam.

Escape to my BubbleWorld.

2010-03-30T22:21:00.002+08:00

A Day With Carmen

Huge mistake going out today. Omg...

I checked. My foot didn't drop off. =D

Loving my hauls. Not going to talk about it though. Hehe...

I just really wonder.

I miss Carmen.

We were just talking about how if we were not already very good friends we could have totally been lesbian. Haha... I guess even for homosexual relationships there is also that 'Friend Zone' thingy.

Anything more sexual would feel wrong cause it feels like I am kissing my sister or something like that. Haha... That would not simply be incestuous but disasterous. =X

I think I might be Bi. Hmmm...

Food for thought.

I might just give guys up.

-.-''

2010-03-30T00:40:00.002+08:00

The Hurtful Foot

Sprained my ankle yesterday at work when Sparkle the Bulldog crashed into me. =( Went to see the Sensei near Aljunied MRT today.

OMG... His treatment HURT! Like mad.

It was mad painful can? I never thought it will hurt quite so much. Like always previously my sprains did not hurt that much. But this time it was so crazy.

My foot is still sore. =(

Omg... I'm so super exhausted now... But I spent the day trapped at Mac with Carmen reading books!

ARGH!

I miss you.

2010-03-27T23:05:00.002+08:00

I Am Such A Blurred Person...

-.-''

Apparently Shaun's friend saw me at Chinese Garden today and I didn't recognise him cause obviously I don't know him. It seems that when Shaun told his friends about me they immediately FB-ed me.

-.-''

But that's not the point. Point is... Recently there has been alot of people I think I ought to know or noticed because I was hanging around FC4 very often and the morning crowd is very small. But I think I have been too distracted to see them. I mean they see me so often they recognised me but I have no inkling of them at all. I feel so mean. =(

Oh well... I guess I'm just super blur. =X

Went to Jurong East Swimming Complex with Carmen and Lishi. Haha... Lishi is like awfully cute la! Her expression is just super adorable. I cannot believe this is the first time she went there, but I'm glad she came cause if she wasn't here me and Carmen will be like bored out of our minds cause we were there before. =X

I feel so conflicted now.

Random stuff, but until now I still rather I suffer more than have the people around me suffer. I'm still pretty stupid ain't I? ZzZzZ...

2010-03-27T01:15:00.000+08:00

Released

All of a sudden, I started crying for no reason. This time round, alone in my room, I finally allowed myself to cry my heart out.

All these time, I have only cried in Qiyuan's presence. I always tried hard to stop crying in front of him. I guess the relief from the stress I felt all these time allowed me to finally cry at home.

I have never felt comfortable in my own home for a very long time. The only comfort I have was from being with Qiyuan and knowing that he will never abandon me. I guess that's why all these time it was only when I am with him that I felt safe to let my emotions show. But at the same time, I feel that it was wrong to let myself be vulnerable in front of anyone so I always tried hard to stop crying.

Being able to let myself go in the privacy of my own room was a release in itself I guess.

I guess then, from now on, I have truly moved on.

I feel this sense of peace resonating within me.

I feel a sense of calmness that I have not felt for a very long time.

2010-03-26T13:53:00.002+08:00

Super Annoyed

Whats with all the irritating people around me? Everyone seems to be asking me a tonne of questions about me. Why are you so invading my privacy? I don't get why do guys think it's cool to neg a girl. I cause I actually know what you are doing I don't think it's smart. I don't know. Or perhaps you have been neg-ing me too much and it just simply annoyed me.

I cannot stand guys with lousy skills going after girls. I can think of 101 ways for them to be so much better. Especially older guys with lousy skills. You would think life would have gave them experience to brush up on their skills. Argh! I guess they are just too dense to figure out why they cannot get girls.

Maybe thats why older guys tend to get younger girls because those girls are still naive enough to get attracted by their mediocre skills.

I am seriously annoyed.

Especially those very blatantly insulting questions. Argh. Am I supposed to degrade myself to answer them? I still want my privacy thank you very much. Afterall we are not that close. Even if we are, you should ask me questions in a positive way otherwise I will associate you with a negative feeling because you just keep neg-ing me.

Especially the one who neg me overboard. Argh! So stupid. Am I supposed to feel attracted to you because you make me feel stupid? I think YOU are the stupid one.

Asshole.

I think I should give this guys some tuition.

If you treat me really good and pay me really well, I can get you any girl that you can meet on the streets. Even the girl of your dreams. But of course, have some measure of yourself, don't attempt for girls that you can never get.

I am seriously put off by this bunch of idiots.

2010-03-25T18:29:00.002+08:00

A Rare Almost Perfect Day

Early this morning while I was freaking out and studying on the train to school, a bat flew into the train. =X

I heard a weird gulping yelp and I thought someone vomited or something when an auntie jumped up. Then the whole stretch of seats cleared out except for some sleeping people and I thought 'Huh? Someone farted?' Haha...

Then I saw the bat.

Apparently it flew into the door, straight at the glass and flopped on the auntie. All of a sudden it flew up and obviously tried to get out of the train with no success seeing that the doors were closed already. It spent the next 2 stations terrifying people out flying over their heads. It was amusing to see how when the bat flew up into the other side of the cabin, there was a rush of people fighting for seats -.-''

The poor bat was flying all over the cabin with is vaguely panicked look on its face. Hmmm... Maybe I imagined it but I feel that it looked pretty distraught with its crinkly face. Couldn't fly well due to the train moving and the shit with the movement of the pressures everytime the train started up or slowed down.

Even though we sorta knew that the bat wouldn't fly into us because it was doing a pretty good job of avoiding us other than when it flew into the window, everyone instinctively ducked when it flew over their head. It was kinda like watching a screwed up version of the Kallang Wave. Haha...

Eventually it flew out of the door and everyone gave a sigh of relief. Haha... Gave me a very good distraction and calmed me down somewhat. =D

Reached school at 7plus and sat outside The Retail Place studying. I wondered if I will ever come back here again. Hmmm... Started to freak out again.

Went for the paper and predictably I didn't remember a single thing.

Had a talk with Mrs Angie Tang after. I think I'm going to pass afterall.

Sooo...

Goodbye Singapore Polytechnic. Good riddance to all the horrible people.

I'll never have to see you again thank god.

<3<3<3

Thanks to Mr Roger Lee for giving me so much help and advice through this horrible time.
Thanks to Ms Chloe Tan for always being there to listen to me, not judging nor flinching.
Thanks to Mrs Angie Tang, Mrs Sarah Lim and Mrs Patricia Moreria for believing in me and giving me a second chance.

I'll definitely be back to SP to see you all. This time as part of the working society and no longer as part of SP. But I'll always be your student.

Called Mr Lee up to update him and to thank him for everything and he told me to keep him in the loop about my life. Lots of love. Tried calling Ms Tan but couldn't get her maybe she's off counselling someone else or on a course again or something. I'll call again.

Every single teacher here has offered me help and advice in the future if I ever needed them, and eventually I will. Thanks for everything.

I'm lucky to have great teachers if not great friends. At least in school.

From all these, I've learnt that no one is worth me doing or sacrificing so much for because they will not be reciprocated. I should learn to open up and trust more people but less in each person.

I believe I have become a smarter and better person from all these. Never let myself over-rely on anyone.

I am no longer reliant.

Coming out of the room knowing I passed my paper gave me the sudden realization that all these time, I was never truly happy. Despite feeling relieved that I did not have to take the paper and that it was a worry for next time, it has always been pressing at the back of my head without me knowing. I guess that worry was evident and obvious to the people around me if not to me.

Stepping out of school and feeling that huge burden lifted from me knowing I have finished my education literally made me feel so light. I finally understood that it was truly possible for the world to become brighter and more beautiful when there is nothing holding you back. That feeling I will always treasure but I will never want to experience it again. Because the stress that I have to be under before feeling this incredible feeling is too high a price to pay.

But it is possible for the colors in the world to become brighter, the hot sun to feel warm and feel a gentle breeze while walking.

I'm sorry to all my friend whom I have been short with especially Qiyuan who had to endure my sudden mood swings. I do know that I have been very emotional during this time but I did not understand why. I guess you were right in say that I have been partly venting my frustrations on you without realising it.

From now on my life will be more fulfilling than before.

Lots of love.

2010-03-25T06:31:00.003+08:00

The Terrible Feeling of Feeling Terrrible

Slept at 3am woke up at 5am to study somemore.

As I predicted, on the day of the exam my knowledge just flies out of the window. -.-''

Woke feeling nauseous cause I went through my brain bank and couldn't find a shit. I feel even worse now because after one and half hour of studying I still don't retain a single shit.

Fuck Fuck Fuck.

I have to be more confident because I know I can do it. I know that I can so I should be able to.

I just need to convince myself of this.

WTF

I hate myself.

I have to be on my way to school now.

Perhaps along the way I will feel better.

I hope.

Damnit.

I wish you were here.

Whenever I freaked out you were here.

Wish you were here now.

2010-03-24T22:40:00.002+08:00

5 Hours to My Paper

I'm feeling terrified. =X

I studied damn hard cause I really want to do well and I'm pretty sure I remembered everything. But somehow I feel tomorrow I'm going to forget everything again.

Omg... Wish me alot alot alot of good luck.

Despite knowing that I passed the rest of my modules and it was much better than I expected, I still do not feel confident at all. Please please please bless me alot and really hard tomorrow.

I just want to pass.

2010-03-23T14:27:00.002+08:00

Home Alone

Being at home is somehow very stressful for me. I can study no problem when I'm outside but somehow, when I'm at home, I just feel overwhelmingly sad.

It's annoying how I know I should get out of this funk and no one can help me cause I have to do it myself. But somehow I just cannot do it. Trying very hard to put everything out of my mind but everything is just running amok in my head.

I seriously wonder how much more of this I can take. I find myself talking to myself sometimes and wonder if I'm going crazy. It's so tiring to be fighting with yourself because you can never get away from yourself.

Am I even making sense?

I wish I can just snap out of it.

Doing everything, changing everything, just so I can feel better and not be so fucked up. Apparently it seems I now appear to be a more confident person and always cool, calm and collected. This just proves that either the people who said it don't know me well, or I'm just a damn good actress. Or perhaps the people who see me as who I truly am and what I am feeling are the people who know me the best.

Why is it that I cannot stop this sadness from coming? That I still actually care? Am I going about doing the wrong thing? Maybe instead of running away from this pain I should embrace it and then move on from it? But how can I afford to allow myself to breakdown once again? Somehow I feel that I never really broke down and cry. I know that I have not. All this time all I've been trying to do is pretend that everything was perfectly fine. I may not have succeeded always, but I have always been trying.

Or maybe I'm just pushing myself too hard and all I need is time. I don't know. Whatever it is, it sucks.

I feel like I'm taking the people around me for granted. Perhaps because I'm always so preoccupied with other things and only when I'm free or when I need something then I look for my friends. I wish there was some other way I could do this, to show them all how important they truly are to me, but I don't know how.

If not for my friends here for me, I will never have gotten through these months. Thus far, this is the darkest period of my life. Previously, I had Carmen by my side. This time round, she's still here.

I love you Carmen. You have officially became the most important person in my life. Thank for going through all these shit with me even though you had your own shit to go through.

Love Qiyuan for everything you did for me even though you didn't need to. Ironically, we only got much closer because of what Evelyn did to me. She was unhappy with me being close to you but ultimately, because of that, she was the one who pushed me to you.

If I were to do things all over again, I will still do them the same. I do not regret anything that I have done. The decisions I made may not have always been the right one and they may not have been the best decisions I made.

But they have shown me who my true friend are and taught me to grow up. My decisions have moulded me into who I am now. And I'm happy with myself.

I don't feel so emo anymore so I shall go study... YEA!!

2010-03-23T03:39:00.002+08:00

I'm Married!!

23th of March 2010 at exactly 0200h, Nikki Koh and Carmen Woo were pronounced husband and wife. There are no promises or certificates as proof of marriage and divorce is unneccessary should we feel the need to split up. To a wonderful and fulfilling marriage as long as it lasts.

Sharing my joy with the world!! =D

Super crazy day today. Found out about my test on thursday and I was so hardworking I immediately went out to study with Lishi and Carmen. Didn't exactly go as planned cause I studied on the way there so by the time I got to Lishi's house I was not really in the mood to study. =X

Had Yong Tau Foo as breakfast with Lishi near her house. Quite yummy though the chilli is not spicy enough. =( Played Monopoly Deal with Lishi while Carmen surfed the net at Lishi's house. It's super fun!! Haha...

Carmen owes me $100. Haha... For winning the bet. But honestly? It's the satisfaction of knowing I'm right that matters. Haha! But Carmen is mine now!! So get jealous!! Hehe...

Had my lunch and Carmen's breakfast at some dimsum place near Aljunied MRT. Had the porriage, was pretty nice! After that I went to the library to study with Carmen, or rather I studied and she read magazines.

Finally I met up with Huiting and we went to the McDonald's at Aljunied to study somemore.

Reached home, talked to Carmen, set up a FB account for Carmen, got married to Carmen.

Check out my FB profile! We're so totally married! Haha...

I shall go sleep cause I'm all tired and stuff.

Loves!

2010-03-22T10:10:00.003+08:00

Second Chance

I have another shot at the paper. I'm terrified. I don't think I can do it.

I could study with no problem last time. What happened? I'm letting things affect me too much.

However much that I appear to be fine now, inside I'm still terrified. The simplest thing can make me breakdown. But now I can control it better. I can wait until I'm home before letting it go.

At home, I cannot stop crying. Just living my day through day by day stresses me out.

Okay, I just talked to Lishi and I'm going over to her house to study. Will having some company help? I hope so...

2010-03-21T22:22:00.002+08:00

Back To K9 Kulture

Haven't been back working for so long. Super missed working there. Taking such a long break then going back there made me feel so nostalgic. I guess it's a huge difference from when I left there an emotional wreck.

That time, I was too stressed out and emotional to work there. Too tired and overworked to work in such a stressful environment. Going back there today, I felt the concern of my colleagues and I was so touched.

Once again it was crazy working there. Suffering sore throat and aching feet. =( But it was super eventful. Haha... Raining like crazy at Turf City and all the rats came running out! =X The dogs actually caught 2 rats and killed them! Ah Dong stepped on one and killed it... The other one e threw barely alive into the bin.

GROSS!!

Dusty is awful cute! Apparently when Mandy found him she thought he was a German Shepard puppy. Haha... CookieCS' owner put him up for adoption while they went for a tour around the world cause they couldn't be bother to look after him. So mean! Thankfully YiHao adopted him. With his food agression problem I think it will ba hard for him to find a new owner.

Working there just made me miss Frostie more!! Haiz... Oh well... Haha... I hope to see him soon.

K9 holds way too much memories for me. I hope I can get over them soon.

2010-03-20T23:20:00.003+08:00

Sadness

Sometimes, I feel like I don't belong at home. I don't know. There's so much happening at home I really feel like I cannot cope with it. Going to Malaysia makes me feel so comfortable and relaxed. I wish things were better at home. Haiz...

Anyway my phone is damaged. Still in workable condition but feels like it's going to break apart anytime cause the hinge is super loose.

I feel emo again.

Everyday coming home makes me feel sad. I know this is not right but I feel exceptionally depressed at home. I feel most comfortable at home and I wish I could stay home all day. When I'm outside all I want is to come home and relax. But the moment I'm home I feel sad. Like I cannot face the world anymore.

Hmmm... On a side note, I think this time apart might be good for me. Learn to be independent instead of running away to you everytime I get upset.

Looking on the bright side?

2010-03-10T03:17:00.002+08:00

Assumptions of Me

Prove me wrong darling. Let me know that I am truly as beneath your notice as you want me to think I am, instead of searching for my blog and viewing it. =D

Like I said. I was making assumptions too. Stop having guilty-conscience.

This is super funny. In a morbid way. =X

I just don't get how we could go from being great friends to this. I have never ignored you the way you claimed I did. People with eyes who were with me saw how I said 'Hi!' and looked like an idiot cause you pretended that you didn't see me standing right next to you.

I tire of this nonsense anyway. You people have successfully extended my last semester in school and made it hell. Haven't you have had enough fun yet? Every fucking thing you do hurts me like crazy. I'm not afraid to admit it. Both of you have hurt me like crazy. Because I truly thought you were my friend. I just didn't think friends treated each other like that.

I want a chance to sit down and find out what went wrong. I want to clear the air. But then, I know, to you both, it will be my fault no matter what. You will not be open to seeing the entire picture. Why? Because you are too freaking stuck-in-the-mud with your thinking.

I wish I could simply ignore you the way you did with me and erase you completely from my life. But I am much too much of an idiot to do so. Like Chloe said, this is something I have to walk out of myself.

I can't believe that I actually have to go for counselling because of this stupid matter. I seriously want to snap out of it. I can't believe how much you are affecting me. Until now I cannot believe that I have been fucked up by you. I cannot believe that I am still hurting from everything. I thought I was fine. I thought I was okay already. I guess I convinced myself that the front I was putting up was true.

But my wounds are still as fresh as ever.

Can I just forget this entire year and redo it all over again?

But you know? Even if this year was done all over again, things will still end up the same. It was a matter of sooner or later.

Just tell me one thing, why is he so important to you that my closeness to him have to affect you so much? Aren't you already attached???

2010-03-10T01:09:00.002+08:00

Nikki and Nunchaku/Nunchucks

The 3N. Haha... Was randomly talking with Carmen about how I'm gonna take up MMA with Qiyuan and then I was like telling her how he gave me a boxing glove keychain after asking me to choose between the glove and Nunchucks.

I asked her to imagine me learning Nunchucks.

We simultaneously had the same freaking image in our heads.

Me swinging the Nunchucks around and knocking myself out.

-.-"

Haha... I'm wayyy too bimbo for Nunchucks. MMA is okay la. Not that bad. Haha... There's less of a chance of klutzy me hurting myself. Haha... And and... They have pink gloves and fist wrap thingy for training! Haha...

Hmmm... Come to think about it, I could probably get Qiyuan to teach me Nunchucks and find a pair of pink Nunchucks just to be bimbo about them. Haha...

Everyone agrees that I became more bimbo after breaking up with Issac. Even more so after getting to know Qiyuan. I think it's Qiyuan's fault for over pampering me. =X Haha...

I think I'm going to sleep. For some reason, I'm exhausted. =X

2010-03-04T01:51:00.002+08:00

What am I to do?

My life is in a mess, and everyday that I spend with you convinces me even more that I'm simply a waste on the face on this earth. I'm screwing things up left and right. I can't seem to do the right thing. For once, I want to do what I want to do instead of the right thing to do. Because now I understand that no matter how much I try, I cannot make everyone happy.

I'm tired of trying to make you happy. I do not even know what have I done. The feeling is just getting stronger. Perhaps I should get away from you before it overcomes me. But without you my life is meaningless. I invested all my love in the both of you. In Frostie, it will never amount to anything because he loves you more than me. In you? My love for you is just as futile. There has been no beginning, and it will not have a future.

Why do I throw everything away just to be with you that one second more? Why do I risk everything for this love that I know will be my downfall? My foolishness has cost me so much. My pride, my love, my friends, my self. I am what you were. You know how painful it was, but yet this is what you let me suffer through. This was what I went through before and yet I knowingly step into this pitfall.

I am an Idiot.

If things go my way, you will never see or hear from me again. I have feelings too. Feelings that will get hurt. I'm tired of being around people who have no concern over how they treat me and how they affect my feelings. This is the last time I put myself down for anyone.

No person, no dog, is worth me degrading myself. This grovelling has gone on long enough. I don't need your help. My life is my own. If I die in the next moment, it will too be of my own choosing. Because I tire of this world that has no compassion. I tire of always putting others infront of me, of making others more important than myself. I cannot change the world, I am unable to change myself.

I am a slave to my love for you. Stupid as it is. Thus I will change what I can change. My life.

2010-03-02T18:27:00.002+08:00

I'm Screwed

My exams have been going so badly... I couldn't even find the mood to blog cause I was too distraught. First day of exam for SM I found out that I was screwed over again. This time for LERM. I couldn't focus at all that day. My mind just keep going through how screwed up everything was and I couldn't remember anything for my paper.

I felt like I was just going through the motions of my life. Chose to go once again to Malaysia, hiding away from everything yet again. Tried hard to study for LERM but I was just too distracted. Even though the morning of the paper I found out that the teacher decided to give me the full group marks instead of marking me down I still couldn't do the paper. I got the encouragement I needed but somehow I was too far gone to recollect myself. I'm sure I failed the paper. Because I couldn't remember anything. I could recognise the terms cause I know I studied them but I couldn't for the life of me remember how to explain them.

Thursday I have another paper. But I cannot focus still. The feeling of dread not only did not decrease but kept increasing. In order to function from day to day I kept the feelings locked away deep in my heart. Somehow it's like I haven't grieved yet so the hurt is still there. Keeping the feelings apart seem to make them worse. But how can I let myself break down again? I feel tired and weak. I don't want to be like that. I want to be normal and happy.

When did things snowball to this? Why didn't I realise this? I'm self destructing from inside out. Being okay don't mean I'm feeling okay. I want everything to be normal. But I don't know how.

Help me...

2010-02-21T16:29:00.002+08:00

A Little Prayer.

God, if there is an afterlife, please don't give me any conscience or compassion. Don't give me the ability to love.

If I were to die, please hide my body away. Don't let anyone find me so that I can Rest In Peace.

I would rather I hurt everyone around me a hundred times over than for them to hurt me once. Isn't there anyone who will love me for who I am? If you can't love me for who I am, please don't ask me to change. I'm tired of pretending to be someone I'm not.

I'm not that strong, I can't go on and on like that. There is so much in me that is waiting to get out. I wish I hadn't tried to be myself. If I didn't get tired and stop pretending and let my weakness show everything wouldn't have become like that. Everything would have proceeded like normal and everything will be okay. Now that my true feelings have shown I cannot keep them back.

I'm weak. No amount of pretending can change it.

God, give me the strength to die. Take away the life that you have given me. I'm sorry I can't appreciate my life now, but there don't seem to be much to be appreciated. Give me a second chance God, and don't let me forget my lesson in this life. I promise to make better.

2010-02-17T06:38:00.002+08:00

Freaking Out

Spent the entire night studying for a paper I don't know if I can take. Damn it. I can't remember what I studied too.

I need to do this.
I have to do this.

Damn it. I don't wanna let things go crazy. I want everything to be okay. Fuck Fuck Fuck.

2010-02-16T20:58:00.004+08:00

My Thing with Fruits

I have this thing about eating fruits outside of my house, i.e. not cut by me or mummy. I don't like to eat them. I don't know why. People misunderstand that I don't eat fruits. Thats not true, I do eat them, you just don't see me do it. =D

But there are some fruits that I simply dislike eating. More common fruits are Oranges, Bananas and Jackfruit. Uncommon ones would probably be Avocados and Preserved Cherries. I hate Oranges with a passion. Alot of people like to eat them and I don't know why. I think they taste disgusting. I love Grapefruit though. Not just cause they are pink. =D I think Bananas and Jackfruits are absolutely horrid too! They are super smelly. To me at least. =X

Avocados are just gross cause they taste weird and are all mashy and yucky. Preserved Cherries taste super weird too! All sweet and sickening. I like to eat Cherries though, the real ones not preserved. Super nice!

Just a random post about random stuff cause I am once again freaking out for my paper tomorrow. And cause mummy just made me eat some oranges. But thats about it. =D

2010-02-16T15:28:00.003+08:00

So Addictive!

I just realised how super addictive the Guazi is. It's like one is never enough. The thing is so tiny that you feel you just have to eat another cause it's not satsfying enough. But you can't just pop a few into your mouth at the same time cause it just doesn't taste as good. I ended up complusively cracking them and eating them one after another until I realise that I have almost eaten half of the box. =X

Then the CNY goodies that my aunt bought. Usually the goodies that you purchase is like about 3cm in diameter. Which is too much la. After one you feel like the taste is too overwhelming and you won't have another until much later. But the ones that my aunt bought is only like 1cm in diameter. Looks too small to be nice or filling enough. But when you eat it, the portion is just nice! After eating that you feel like having another cause your simply not sick of the taste and it's very nice. When your mouth gets too dry from the goodies, you have a sip of water and feel like you have to continue eating it!

I couldn't stop eating at all yesterday! Somemore the curry that my aunt cooked was awesome! I just kept eating curry rice and the goodies for the entire day! I can feel myself grow fatter already! =(

People say eating chilli will make you slimmer. I think that's a lie. I have OCD for chilli. Almost every single meal I eat with chilli. But I super respect it one! Cannot just anyhow mix things with chilli. There are also different chilli for different kinds of food that will make it taste nicer. I eat so much chilli but I still look like that. FAT. =(

Part of me feel that I actually eat too much chilli? Too much chilli will actually burn your stomach and give you health problems. But I think, chilli is in my genes. After generations of abusing our stomachs with chilli, we have evolved and I'd like to think that I have an iron cast stomach. =X Haha...

I am an alcholic, gambler and chilli-eater. It's in our genes.

2010-02-14T23:07:00.003+08:00

CNY cum Valentine's Day

I wondered how was I going to fare today. Part of me can't help but wonder what we would have been doing if we din break up. But... I surprised myself. I asked Carmen out today cause I din know how to face CNY and V-Day without you. Turns out everything wasn't so bad afterall. Hmmm...

Got home early and I was so bored I went to Google her. =X Eh... Turns out she's not that skinny aftereall. And very bitchy? =X I even found her and her best fren's blogs. Haha... I feel like some sort of weird stalker. But hearing so much from you about her and then reading her blogs, I realise that she is a really really mean person. I felt that she was not very nice already but reading these things just made me more convinced that she's horrible. =X

Second day of CNY. Wonder how am I going to do again? Why everytime during the festivities I cannot get you out of my mind? Its not like I still love you or anything. But I feel so indignant that you all are enjoying yourselves after making my life hell...

This SUCKZ.

2010-02-13T14:18:00.003+08:00

I Can't Do This

I'm not used to being alone. I never felt like this and it has never bothered me much until now. I used to not even bother about Valentine's Day. But all of a sudden its so important to me that I'm not alone that day.

My whole life has been thrown off track and there is no one I can look for without feeling like I'm making use of them because there is only one person I really wish for to be here. But that person is not here, can't be here.

Just when I think my life is back on course, something throws it off. This emotional rollercoaster is too much. It took so much effort for me to stop rutting. But one simple thing I see or one simple thing I do or even one simple that occurs, just throws me back into the rut.

I want to stop feeling like that. But dammit I dun know how! Fuck it all! I just want to lead my life as normal back! I want to stop missing you! Because you're not mine. I have no right to. I'm yours. But somehow, I know, you will never be mine. I dunno whats holding you back. But whatever it is... I dunno. I'll be there. Not matter wad.

But... For how long? What if one day I can't take this anymore and you never found out where I went to?

How vulnerable is life? You know. Imagine if one day I died. How will my friends ever know? How can my family inform them? No one in my family know any of my friends. My funeral. Who will be there? The people that I care about, will you find out if one day I am dead? Can I say sorry now first for in case I died and you didn't know?

This is so morbid. But if one day you died, will anyone think to let me know? My head is filled with thoughts of death. What happens after death? The dread is growing again. Dammit.

2010-02-13T12:56:00.002+08:00

A Whole New V-Day

I don't want to spend tommorrow alone. Can anyone spend it with me?

Why is every single day more difficult to get pass? Every day is a struggle. Sometimes I really feel like giving up. At times like this, I don't know what to think or what to do.

Dammit. I miss you. Wish you were here baby.

I miss Frostie too...

2010-02-12T11:24:00.002+08:00

A Little Secret

Do you know, that actually you are so much prettier than me? I know everyone says I'm prettier but the fact is that YOU are the prettier one. If you stopped fading into the background and hiding behind your mum, everyone will be able to see how pretty you are.

I am loud and vulgar, you are soft-spoken and demure. I may be skinnier, but you definitely have nicer features. I wish you can know that. But I cannot tell you. I wish between us there was not such a huge wall. Years of rivalry has pushed us so far apart that I don't think anything can breach it.

But girl, you're amazng just the way you are. There's no need to be skinny to do it. I wish you can know that.

2010-02-02T15:12:00.002+08:00

Screwed Up

As the days go by and more things happen, I hate my life more. Somehow you have managed to poison the minds of the people around me. The more I find out, the more dead I feel.

I feel horrible seeing you. Knowing the things you say, wondering how you could say them, feeling like a used idiot. Going to school everyday is a torture. Everyday, as each minute pass, it feels like it is counting down to more heartache.

I cannot face walking into class, staying in class and school like everything is okay.

I feel happiest when I'm in Malaysia. When there is nothing for me to think about. Not about school, not about work, not about money, not about family, not about friends. Everyday, all I have to do is look after Frostie. I know I keep complaining about everything even when I'm there, but honestly? I feel most at ease and happiest there.

I know by going there so often I'm simply running away. It's stupid and irresponsible and it won't solve anything. But it makes me feel so much better. Every week, my only highlight is going over there and seeing Frostie. I live everyday just for the weekends to come and for me to go over. Every monday, I feel like crap.

But it seems, my time there, has to lessen significantly. For these 2 weeks, I won't be able to see Frostie. This week, I think I shouldn't go over. Next week, they will be at their hometown. How am I going to get pass these 2 weeks?

Suddenly I feel like the light has gone out of my life.

It turns out you were lying to me too. Until now, still lying. Why am I so stupid as to still believe you???

2010-01-26T22:05:00.002+08:00

Day At The Dentist

Haven't been to the dentist for like 3 years. Felt abit apprehensive about going cause I know it wasn't for a regular check up. Omg... Stayed there from 11 until like 2 doing my tooth. It was super bad. I can't believe I could tolerate such a long time for an infection this bad. It actually affected my nerve.

Shaun helped me find one of his friend's friend at NUS to do it for me. Cause undergrads are cheaper. But turns out my tooth was so bad that the doctor herself had to do it for me. The tooth feels super weak though, and uncomfortable. Feels like crap. Think my tooth is completely hollowed out. At least the half of the tooth that is still there is. The rest of my tooth is just calcium hydroxcide and IRM. Whatever they are.

I was so exhausted that I fell asleep while they are fixing my tooth. At the end of it, my mouth was lopsided cause there was so much anesthetic that I couldn't move the left side of my mouth. The pain killers and antibiotic made me so sleepy when I took them at about 3pm after Ayam Penyet at Lucky Plaza that by 5pm at Orchard Central I was zombified.

This stupid auntie at Ayam Penyet Ria kept staring at me la. Cause I was eating and drinking weird cause of the anesthetic. But me and Shaun were so hungry! We haven't eaten since like morning we woke up cause we were going for the checkup and I was late cause I forgot to bring his jacket. Then poor him had to wait outside for me for like the 4 hours I was in there doing my tooth. My mouth feel so stretched cause they pull it open for so long!! =x

Yesterday was out with Shaun and Carmen. Haha... Missed Carmen like crazy. I kept smelling Pull and Bear For Men yesterday then I keep wondering where is it from? Turns out Shaun was using it. Haha... Realise I fell in love with that scent. Haha... Was surprised that my nose can recognise that scent la.

I kept smelling it then I was like,

'You smell Pull and Bear? I keep smelling it.'
'Why? I'm using it."
'Oh my god, really? God, I'm so smart. I actually recognised it!'

Haha... Damn crazy. I love his Zara Men jacket too! Stole it from him yesterday then I was late today cause I forgot to bring it. But I kept wearing it and after I got so sleepy cause of the medication I realise when I woke up in bed just now that I was still wearing it. =x Completely forgot to give him back.

At one point of time, this used to be the sad blog and the other the happy one. Now, at least for today, things kind of switched. Hmmm, future? I guess, I don't want to have a future.

2010-01-24T21:35:00.002+08:00

Emotional Rollercoaster

It seems like every little thing can push me over the limits. I don't know what to say. Even when blogging, I feel like there is so much inside me I don't know how to start. Alone in Qiyuan's room right now. Freaking out about tomorrow's SM presentation. I don't know what can I do to help myself. Going to SAA tomorrow to look for the school counsellors. I hope they can help.

I wonder if I have depression. If I took the checklist, I think I will have everything there. I feel like there is no one who can help me. Even the people who helped, it seems like they want something from me. How come I can be there for my friends and all I ask is there when this day comes for me, they can be there for me too. But turns out, reality is that they have to have something now. It seems like they help me now and I have to pay some favors to them now. I helped them then and I didn't need anything. Now that I do, it seems like the favor card has expired.

Reality is harsh. I know that now. I fully experience it now. People say that secondary school years will be your best years in life. Thats true. I found my true friends then. People who will stand by me no matter what. I try to pretend it didn't matter. That it was my fault. But the hurt is reverberating in me. It won't go away.

Threw my temper at Qiyuan. Cause he hurt my feelings. But it was because I had it up to my head then. I know he didn't mean to. But nonetheless, it still hurt. My criteria is simple. I have to be more important than anyone else. You can go out and fuck anyone but ultimately, you have to come back to me cause I was more important. But you threw your temper at me cause you wanted to talk to her and you were sleepy. You claim that you were just kidding. But my dear, after so many days with you, you think I cannot differentiate between your 'I'm just kidding' voice and your 'I'm pissed' voice?

We cannot be anything more than friends cause we aren't ready for anything more. In my current situation, getting into a relationship with someone like you is suicide. I think it will be the thing that will ultimately push me over the edge into the abyss. You? You will never be ready for a serious relationship. At times I wonder if its cause you're too insecure. But honestly? I don't know. I don't want to know the answer anyway. I dread it.

I tried to put things behind. But I don't know how to face you. It's not in me to hold a grudge. But, I don't know. I don't hate you. I don't blame you. I just don't knwo how to face you. My heart is still tearing. It is still breaking. I don't know how to stop it, how to mend it. The secrets I hold in me are bursting forth one by one. I cannot stop it. I feel so insecure and so exposed. The fact that so many of you know so much about me. I don't know.

Feel cold all the time. I think I'm falling sick. My lungs feel like they are trembling, my muscles quivering. Is my outside too hot or my inside too cold? My palms are sweating and my forehead is beading up. But I'm cold.

Save me?

淚了 Lei Le -- 東城衛 Dong Cheng Wei & 曾沛慈 Zeng Pei Ci

2010-01-23T01:44:00.002+08:00

My Passing...

I wondered whether if one day I disappeared, would anyone notice. Then I realise, I have been out of touch with so many important people in my life that even if I do, I think they will never know. The people I'm still in touch with right now? Hmmm... I seriously doubt my disappearance would make a difference. Afterall, time has proven to be the best revealer ever.

I wonder what's there for me to be holding on for. An uncertain future? Screwed up relationships? Or what? Essentially, nothing.

I think I can leave without regrets. But I think back on the last time I tried. That mark is the one holding me back. Telling me I will regret. That phone call that day probably saved my life. Now that the veins are more obvious, I realised the scar is right above the vein. If he hadn't called, I might have puntured it. Then there will be no more today.

Issac saved me that day. For the past 4 years. I've been living for him. For the fact that his call brought me back, and the fact that I love him. But now, the reason is gone. Nothing is worth me living for. Friends won't be there for ever.

Once, we were close friends, now we are strangers.
Once, you were my life, now you are my death.

As more time passes, this idea seems better. As foolish and cowardly as it is, it feels easier. I'm replaceable. Without Nikki, there's always someone else. One by one, all of you have proven that to me. As if telling me it is the right thing to do. I keep trying to stop myself. I wonder how long will I last. What if I lose control again? Maybe it's all for the better.

Ya... Perhaps it is. But I won't do it. I will try my hardest not to. I am trying. But I feel more desolate as each day pass. More and more lonely.

2010-01-20T18:35:00.002+08:00

A Shithole Again

It seems that every bad thing has a companion, or rather many many companions. Betrayed by my friends with unfeeling words. I'm fine.

I have to pretend that everything is okay, even though my heart is hurting like crazy. I rather have Issac hurt me 10 times over than to have to both of you treat me like that.

I feel myself wildly grabbing for my friends. Afraid to be alone even for a moment. I'm holding on so tightly to Qiyuan I think I'm suffocating him. Grabbing at my friends hoping that they will be there for me.

I'm terrified.

I think of the things you said to me and I wonder how can anyone do such stuff? I want to turn my life over but no one's giving me a chance to do it. You are just taking turns to screw me over. I need time for a breather.

I keep suppressing the urge cause I keep telling myself that it's not the solution and I'll be letting alot of people down. But now it's overwhelming me. I just want to end everything. I don't want to do this anymore. I've never felt so scared and alone in my life. Even when Jingying screwed me over I still had Issac, Carmen, Lishi, Lynn and the girls. Now we are all scattered all over and none of them can be there for me anymore.

I know Qiyuan and Shaun has been trying to do as much for me as they can. But I feel like I'm just a burden to them. Talking to Tommy just made everything worse. I feel like turning back time but I can't even find the time I want to turn back to. If I turn back to with Issac and things were not good but still not so bad I won't have Qiyuan and Shaun and Shearn by my side. I will never appreciate the things that they have done for me or find out what good friends they are.

But now, I'm scared. Scared out of my wits. I don't know what to do at all. I just keep pretending to be happy when there's people around and crying like crazy when I'm alone. It's driving me crazy. I need to go back to the person I was. But I don't have the drive to do it. I know Qiyuan is trying to help me alot, but I cannot motivate myself to do it. I want to pull myself out of this shit but I don't know how to start.

I just feel like killing myself.

2010-01-15T14:54:00.002+08:00

Fucking Pissed

I'm super annoyed lo. Already say I have to leave early ask me hand in the report later I say okay la but need to be early wad. WTF... Slowly do slowly think slowly discuss...

'I like this one lehz.. How? But no space. Cannot tear out! But I like lehz.. How?'

Damn fucking annoyed.

Stupid Frostie. Juz fucking go die lo. Anyway no one wans to look after you wad. Juz everyone fucking vent ur frustration on me only. Angry with ur sis angry with ur dog then give me fucking attitude. Not angry at me u claim. But fucking give me attitude oso.

Wad the fuck all of u take me for? Fucking treat me lyk shit lyk tt. Y the fuck do i have to fucking take this kind of fucking crap from everyone? Get mad at ur son throw ur temper at me. Wad do i look lyk? Dun say anything dun mean tt din hurt can? itz fucking annoying. Y the hell everyone is lyk tt?

Ya. talk nicely to him ask him go clubbing and show me fucking attitude. when u nv go sch say got work proj give u easiest things to do. tell me u dunno how to do the proj i dunno how to do i oso go find the info for u. then now i dun go sch u give me this kind of shit. i dunno wad the hell is wrong with you ppl.

i tolerate doesnt mean its ok to treat me lyk shit can? fucking bunch of assholes.

fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.

see frostie for wad? wait for everyone to be angry and i have no where to go? fucking wan me to get out of ur room but ever think that i cant go there oso? she's obviously mad and u ask me juz go in and wad? disturb her? u urself dun wanna talk to her cuz ur mad and wad the fuck can i do?

cant get a fucking moment of peace. lyk bloody dogs hounding after me. continue treating me lyk crap u bloody bastards k? its fine cuz neither of u got any conscience at all. ask me to do fucking ridiculous things. ever tot of my feelings not? ya. got think of my feelings la. when it suits u wad. when its to ur benefit then think lo.

sick and tired of all these crap. i'm not going to let myself suffer anymore. give me fucking attitude when i ask u to choose. u noe how difficult to choose rite? if its so fucking easy then stop fucking asking and think of it ur fucking self.

treat me lyk shit then ok lo. i will be shit then. as shitty to u as u are to me. give me attitude i can give it rite back u.

bloody idiots.

2010-01-12T14:44:00.002+08:00

Because I Care

It is easy to say that I'm not bothered about what people think. It's true that I don't. Whether you approve of what I do, I don't care. Especially if I don't know you. But I DO know you. You are one of my closest friends. Thats why I want you to understand. Because I care.

I don't want you to misunderstand our relationship because it matters to me what you think. But you don't even know the full picture and you insist that I am wrong. Once again, I'm not even given the chance to explain myself.

I'm quite sick and tired of people assuming things about me. Especially since you know me so well. Or maybe it is because you know me well and you think that you know what I think. But the things that happened? Do you even have the vaguest idea? But yet there you are condemning my actions. The request you asked was so unreasonable but still I'm forced to comply. Because I care for you as my friend. But as my friend, why are you asking me to do such things? Why don't you even bother to find out the truth? You who know him better than me should know the difference better than me.

Lets juz say that I am wrong, he's family is wrong, he's wrong. But so what? There is nothing going on. Even if I want something to be going on. Why do you think we have not? Because he doesn't thats why. Why am I not just one of his girls? Because that is not what I am. But still, you won't believe me. And this is the last time I will try to make you understand.

I give up.

2010-01-11T20:24:00.003+08:00

Running Away

I feel like running away from all my problems and hoping they will solve themselves. I dunno wad am I going to do. My life is getting more and more messed up each day. Everyday I see a larger mess and I feel like running away. Then the next day there is a bigger mess. I need to prioritize! But now I feel like I can't. Everything is spinning out of control.

I'm scared. I don't think I have the strength to make things work. I need to pull myself together now. But I dunno wad am I anymore. I want everything to juz stop right now. I need everything to stop. I wish I can juz end my life. But that wun solve any of my problems. I juz want to pretend everything is ok. But I can't. Not anymore. I can't run away anymore.

Why did I let my life become like that? Everything is blurred together I dunno what is what. I want to go back to the day when everything was okay. I cannot take this anymore.I can't I can't. I want to turn my life around but I dunno what to do. I feel like hiding all the time and I dun wanna face the facts. I have to but I can't do it.

I'm driving myself crazy. I thought I moved on but I haven. I know I dun love him anymore. But I'm so crazy as to think that getting back with him will make everything okay again. I miss Qiyuan. But he cannot always be there for me. I miss Evey. But she has her own life to lead. I miss Amanda. But she cannot solve my problems for me. I miss Faifai. But I neglected him so much I dunno how to face him. I miss shearn. I miss weien. I miss yongjian.

Most of all I miss Lishi. She has been there for me since the beginning. She knows all of my problems inside out. She understands me better than anyone else. But she can only listen. She cannot replace the void inside me.

I miss all of these people who are there for me. These are the people who nv failed to be by my side. I've been in this rut for so long but they haven abandoned me. I know some of them are exasperated with me for wallowing in this hole. But I dunno how to control myself. Sometimes I dun even remember doing something at all. I juz realise that I'm doing it. Or sometimes I dun remember doing anything at all that I have apparently done.

Getting by day by day mechcanically. As long as I'm on the move I can pretend everything is okay. But the moment I slow down everything catches up with me. I'm self-destructing but I cannot stop it. How can I stop it when I'm not even aware of myself doing it? I feel inebriated all the time. Very happy sometimes very sad sometimes. I'm starting to think that I'm mental.

I'm terrified of wads going to happen next. Everything seems to be happening at once. Everything that I have done is catching up with me now. I juz wanna get away from everything. But I can't run away anymore...

I feel trapped.

2010-01-11T16:59:00.003+08:00

Stupid Infection

In total agony cuz of a fucking infection. It's past the drink more water stage already. My kidneys are aching like crazy. Made the mistake of eating KFC somemore. Few bites into the meal I can feel my blood pressure going crazy already. Haiz... It's my own fault for not standing my ground and allowing myself to suffer like that.

Got my phone from Qiyuan in the afternoon at school had lunch then go to the polyclinic. Stupid doctor dunno how to read my records lo... Dun believe me when I say got infection like I want to lie like that. Too mad to elaborate but I think he's quite new and got a shock from the way I talk.

Oh... Also got a referral to the CGH dermatology for the scarring on my chest. Hmmm... He's face was super funny when he realise the area of my scarring. He got the 'Wa... So poor thing.' face. You would think by now I'm used to it already. Unfortunately I'm not. Scheduled the appointment on 27/01/10. Or rather they gave the appointment day to me. Wondering should I go cause it's bound to be very expensive and all. Haiz...

Why am I in this state? Get an infection cuz of him, ruined my health working cuz of him, gave myself financial trouble cuz of him. In return for wad? Nothing but suffering for myself. How idiotic can I get? Fucked up...

I feel like quitting from K9. The place was not what I thought it was. Everyone changed le. And now Sherwin's not working there anymore things are starting to look sucky. I don't feel like blogging anymore. The stupid med is giving me gastric. Argh...

2010-01-10T14:29:00.002+08:00

Boring Sunday...

Okay... So now I'm at home cause I'm feeling too sick to go out. Aching like crazy and stuff. I wonder why am I feeling so crappy? I haven't been doing anything wad... -.-"

But on the random side, I love the chilli mummy made. It doesn't smell really strong but when you eat it, it's like fire!!! Cool! She ground the chilli padi, seeds and all, and fried them with I dunno what and the result is some amazing chilli. Haha... Loves it like crazy. I'm gonna eat them with everything. Haha..

On a not so random side, I've been so dumdum! I thought yesterday was sunday and today was going to be monday when I actually knew that today was going to be sunday and I thought I was going to get my phone from Qiyuan today cause today will be monday but I knew that I will be going school only tomorrow. =x So one more day without my phone. Haiz...

And on the randomest side, I can't find bumbum!! =( He's missing... Mummy took my sheets to was that day and I came back and couldn't find him anymore! Mummy din see him either... =( I miss bumbum...

2010-01-09T22:34:00.003+08:00

Stressed Up Again

I'm juz getting stressed up again. What with school, work and relationships. Relationships refering to all sorts. My non-existent love life, my troubled family life and my weird friendships. Everything is spinning round and round making me sick.

Losing my appeitite once again. Falling sick all over again. I dun wanna feel like this! I juz wanna snap out of it! Frustrated with myself for getting myself into this mess. Whats so difficult about pretending everything is fine and getting on with life? Why tear myself up over this? Idiot.

Want so badly to sleep but I'm hurting all over. Literally. Haiz. Wad can I do for all these cuts bruises and aches? My neck hurts like crazy and somemore I slept on the train and made my neck worse. Even cold compress is not helping... I dunno wad to do...

2010-01-09T21:16:00.002+08:00

Is There A Future For Me?

I look to my future and wonder what the hell am I supposed to do? Planned my future for the things we do together. Now... I don't know what to do.

Lost.

Making one mistake after another. I wish everything can juz stop here. I don't wanna know my future. I just want the pain to stop. Right now.

Just Stop.

2010-01-08T12:10:00.002+08:00

Singapore to Malaysia to Singapore Again

Argh... Tired of shuttling between Singapore and Malaysia. But to see Frostie I have to! Oh well... Gonna go work later but I'm exhausted. Already been so busy hardly had time to sleep, the weekends are finally here but I was kept awake by Frostie last nite! =(

Have to work cause I need the money. Fucked up. How am I gonna replace all the missing money?? Damn. I guess I just have to work twice or thrice as hard. Haiz...

Can'r wait to get my new passport so that it will be easier for me to travel. Phone go no battery cause forget to charge. =( Have to go work soon!! ZzZzZ... I'm sleepy...

2010-01-05T17:47:00.002+08:00

Messed Up Day

Today, school was tough. I'm so tired of everything. Worried about the next time I'm gonna lose control, worried about the distance growing between us, worried about school, worried about work. Not working again this weekend. Eating grass next month.

Broke down in school day. First thing in the morning I stepped into class and felt the world spinning away. Got emo again and went out of SMM crying like shit. Luckily I managed to collect myself in time and joined the class again. Then during LERM got my results back, wondered what's happening to my life, went out of class, cried again. I feel that I can longer hold back my tears. They juz slip out whenever they want to and I cannot stop them. Cried on the train on the way home juz now. Feeling like crap, no idea wad happened. Dun even know wad made me start crying. Called Lishi during LERM and she rushed over to find me. Scared the shit out of her cuz I dun think she ever saw me cry like that before. Eve came out to look for me. I think I hurt her feelings cuz I din confide in her. But I know she doesnt want to know about them.

Things have been weird between me and Eve. Today I finally find out why she's mad. She thinks me and Qiyuan are like headed for disaster and then we will like breakup or shit and she dun wanna be forced to take sides cuz she's both our frens. But the thing is, things are different now. Me and Qiyuan, we're not even together how to break up? Nothing will spoil the things between me and him cuz we already came to a conclusion on what to do. Otherwise Frostie will never be bought in the first place. Buying him was not a rash decision that we made. Things are not complicated at all. When you look at it in the beginning it is. If you want to strictly classify everything into catergories, it is. But if things continue as they do, it isnt.

I cut alot of lessons to spend time with Issac. My results sucks. I dunno how am I going to make it better but... I guess I can only try.

Growing more and more afraid everyday. Dreading the next time I lose control. I'm terrified.

2010-01-04T17:43:00.002+08:00

Rantings

I feel so stressed today. In school, I feel tensed all the time. I feel lost and I din know wad to do. Met Qiyuan in the morning. Told wad I rmb of wad happened last nite then everything felt better. But I din wanna leave. I din wanna be alone. So I stayed with him and missed all my morning lessons. Then when he left, I felt lost again. When I was with him, I felt that everything was going to be okay, and that everything was perfect. But when he left, I din noe wad to do with myself.

I feel that I'm gonna snap. So tensed and stressed all the time. I dunno why. I'm not such a needy person. Not usually so insecure. Especially after supperclub. I almost went crazy there. I was not myself that day. I dunno wads happening to me. One moment I'm very very happy and the next I feel like sobbing my heart out. I tried to pretend that everything is okay and normal but I'm getting scared. I feel like I dun recognise me anymore.

Everything I do is hazy and I can barely remember wads happening. I feel like I'm juz going through the motions in life and acting purely on instinct. After the conversation yesterday, the confusion is deeper. I feel like breaking down and crying. But somehow, when I cried last nite, I felt like the tears couldn't reach my heart. Like the tears are only flowing cuz they are supposed to, not cuz I'm upset or anything. I dun understand.

I feel detached from my life. Like I'm a third party watching someone live my life out for me. I juz want closure. I wan to move on. But I dun wanna lose myself. I dunno wad to do.

2010-01-03T20:48:00.005+08:00

The Dashwood Sisters' Secret of Love
By Rosie Rushton

For everyone who finds the meaning of love -- and has the courage to live it.

A tried and true secret of love:

If a woman doubts as to whether she should accept a man or not, she certainly ought to refuse him. If she can hesitate as to Yes, she ought to say No, directly.
--Jane Austen

Secret No. 1
Sometimes a broken heart beats louder then all the whole hearts combined.

Secret No. 2
There is really no accounting for taste.

Secret No. 3
Love is a bit like a doodle by van Gogh -- your lopsided circle could be a masterpiece to someone else.

Secret No. 4
Very few things are worth taking a risk for -- love, family, and the prospect of a first kiss.

Secret No. 5
Even mums have hearts.

Secret No. 6
There is nothing like a bit of competition to make you want something (or someone) more than you probably should.

Secret No. 7
Nothing hurts more than a heart broken without warning.

Secret No. 8
There is nothing you should be gentler with than love -- except possibly newborn kittens.

Secret No. 9
Your heart is the one thing no one can take from you -- at least not until you decide to give it away.

Secret No. 10
Apparently even wretched cows fall in love.

Secret No. 11
Love does not die easily -- it often grows while no one is watching.

Secret No. 12
You don't often get to choose the people that come into your life, but sometimes you get awful lucky.

Secret No. 13
Sometimes things are really too good to be true.

Secret No. 14
No matter what anyone else says, it really is the thought that counts.

Secret No. 15
Planning love is like trying to control the weather -- impossible, frustrating and unnatural.

Secret No. 16
No one is perfect, but sometimes people are perfect for each other anyway.

Secret No. 17
If love is blind, then friendship probably needs some glasses too.

Secret No. 18
The only thing worse than knowing your guy has a girlfriend is hearing about her. The only thing worse than that is seeing her.

Secret No. 19
Remember No. 18? Um, yeah.

Secret No. 20
Love triangles are really anything but lovely.

Secret No. 21
Sometimes love really does find you when you least expect it (and thus are not properly dressed)

Secret No. 22
Sometimes the perfect guy for you isn't the perfect guy for everyone else. And sometimes - and here's where it gets sticky - he thinks he is.

Secret No. 23
Never turn down a date.

Secret No. 24
Falling in love is the greatest adventure there is -- which incidently, can make it quite dangerous. After all, a broken heart can hurt more than a broken leg.

Secret No. 25
Sometimes the more you ignore love, the more seriously it hunts you down.

Secret No. 26
Friendship can lead to love, but it doesn't usually work the other way around.

Secret No. 27
Absence can do two things to love: make it stronger, or allow you to pretend it never existed at all.

Secret No. 28
You'll never forget your first kiss.

Secret No. 29
There's no worse combination than a broken heart and too much champagne.

Secret No. 30
Surviving a broken heart requires the same as recovering from any injury -- time and love. (And a little ice cream doesn't hurt.)

Secret No. 31
Sometimes a kiss says more than words can (no matter how good a talker you may be).

2010-01-03T12:25:00.002+08:00

Weird Friends

Omg... Why the people like that one? Yesterday too tired so never really talk alot about the horrible day at Supperclub. Got in on guest list so din have to pay and everything which was cool. But then things got not so cool.

There was this particular guy with a gf. They were Weijie's friends la. That guy super irritating. Go clubbing with gf but still wanna dance with other girls then super touchy and keep trying to grab me and Evey. So annoying can? Then the gf oso very annoying. She dance with other guys then the bf keep coming too find me then is not like I wanna dance with him or anything but he keep standing behind me trying the grind me. Then the gf get jealous and keep trying to grab him then he will smile and dance with her while trying to put his hand around my waist.

They are a screwed up couple lo. I really dun wan your bf can? No interest at all. Somemore his reaction very fast. I just woke up to use FB then saw his friend request. Yesterday met him only morning friend request liao. I think the gf gonna hate me. Argh... But its not my fault!!

Then got this other guy in stripped shirt. So annoying!!! He juz suddenly wrap his arms around me from behind and pull me away from my friends. Is one of WJ's friend again. They are super fucked up lo. Where got people like that one? Is so rude and no respect at all. I keep pushing his hands away and he juz dun wanna let go lo. And somemore he keep trying not juz once only. ARGH!!

Got this point of time these 3 guys juz cut me off from YX and WJ. Juz isolate me and keep pressing on me. OMG... At that point of time I knew I had to get out. These people are desperate and crazy. NSmen. If I knew beforehand going with so many NSmen I wun go already. Evey only told me that YX and WJ going lo. ARGH....

Make a point to note who are the people going clubbing next time. All of them. Never again I will go clubbing and NSmen unless I can be sure that I at least have one savior. Itz all so fucked up. Wish you were here. I miss you.

2010-01-03T03:33:00.002+08:00

Horrible Day at Supperclub

The music sucked, the crowd sucked, the dance floor sucked and the friends' friends sucked.

Dunno why some guys so idiot one. You put your hands around me I try to push it away means I dun want you to touch me, dun mean that you hold on tighter lo. Fuck. Damn annoyed by the guys there. No respect at all. Then the only nice one there got no initiative at all. Other guys push him away then he juz move. Somemore got one juz grabbed me and like wanna run away with me or something. Never again man. Recently all me friends' friends all no etiquette. Fucked up.

But today, I almost lost control of myself. At many times I was teetering on the edge. But luckily I came back to my senses in time. I dunno if my will power was really that good or the guys were juz too gross. But wadeva it is, I'm glad I kept myself safe, at least to a point. I cannot allow myself to self-destruct again. No matter wad happens again I must keep myself sane.

Talked to you today. Now I know you are truly gone. I don't harbour any hopes anymore. But I juz wished that I wasn't so dumb. That I hadn't done all those stupid things. I came so close to losing myself recently too often.

I'm scared.

2010-01-02T00:54:00.002+08:00

Blogders

Omg... Nikki's blog got readers again!!! The count is running!!!

Why is the everytime I update my blog constantly but I dun tell anyone people will still read? I guess that means I have amazing friends. Friends who constantly still check up on me to make sure I'm fine.

I'm super happy and excited cuz I finally got a puppy of my own.

Shall blog more about my baby another day cuz I'm really sleepy now and I still have work tml.

Nikki <3 Frostie

2010-01-01T01:19:00.002+08:00

Ruination

I loved you so much, and I gave you wadeva I could give. So much so that now, wadeva I feel, pales in comparison. I can't seem to love anyone else as much, and wadeva I do don't seem to be enough. Part of me is reluctant to fall in love again. And wadeva that I do with other guys, seem to be somehow detached from myself.

Somehow, I feel like just letting myself go. I do not care about wad others think. But I do not want to go back to who I was. I dun wanna look back again and realise my life has once again lost itz meaning. I feel torn.

You tore me. Apart. At the seams.

They say you are fine now. And that proved me right. Wadeva that happens is no long er your business. You say you dun owe me anything. And true to your word you act like you dun. I could ruin you too you know? I could tell them everything.

But I wun. That would mean lowering myself to your level. If you have any conscience at all, you will know wad to do. If not... I have already resigned myself to the fate of a fool.

2009-12-31T01:39:00.002+08:00

New Year's Day

Hmmm... Not to say that I dun wanna celebrate the New Year or wadeva, I dun think there's much to celebrate for. My life has turned topsy turvey but it hasn't changed that much in any sense.

New Year's Resolutions:
1. Stop being an IDIOT!!!
2. Try to get my money back?!?
3. Boost my own confidence.
4. Get Frostie.
5. Dun get hurt... AGAIN....
6. Attend all lessons.
7. Love myself more than anyone else.
8. Get a camera. Finally....
9. Change my phone.
10. Put my mask on.

I think its kinda difficult to do any of them. Hmmm... Actually some is impossible to do or to even has the vaguest possiblilty of coming true. But oh well... Since when do people complete all of their Resolutions anyway.

What am I gonna do tonite?!? Countdown or not? Or juz stay at home? Or stay in Malaysia? Spending too much time in Malaysia... =x Hmmm... I need to change my passport photo... =( The officers at customs keep laughing at me. So sad.

I miss my life.

2009-12-28T03:28:00.002+08:00

Project S. L. Y.

I think I had enough. I feel that I'm being played. If you wanna go out with other girls fine. If you wanna go fuck other girls, also fine. But I wish you will juz stop lying to me. Why ask me stay over if all you wanna do is stay away from me? Why tell me you love me when all you wanna to is get away from me? If you don't want me by your side you can juz tell me. If you don't love me you can juz say. You don't have to lie to me at all. If I'm your burden, I'll gladly get away from you. I am no one's burden but my own. I am not a burden. I juz stopped being someone's burden and I wun let myself be yours.

Setting myself up again and again to get hurt. Everytime I try to put a wall up around me you do everything that pulls it down. And then you hurt me. Why? Is this like a game to you? See how long Nikki can last? The Lets-Kill-Nikki game?

Everytime I look at you, I fall deeper in love with you. Everytime you hold me in your arms, my heart cracks abit more. Becuz I know you are not mine. You will never be mine. All these I don't mind.

I juz want you to stop lying to me.

Project Stop. Loving. You.

2009-12-27T14:52:00.002+08:00

Deep Shit.

haiz... My bro spoilt my specs today cuz he accidently threw his bag on them. And I dun have the money to make new ones. =( Tried getting money from mummy but she dun wanna give, cuz she's mad that I did not go to uncle's house on Christmas.

I'm sorry mummy, I know they were celebrating your birthday that day. I juz tot that I will be going out. I carried that hope until the last moment and by then it was too late to go over. Looking back, I think I was foolish.

Have to find other ways to get the money lo. And I need new contact lens oso. This is my last pair already. Damn...

I shouldn't have done so much for you. I gave up everything for you and landed myself in such deep shit. Somemore you turned your back so quickly on me. Idiot!

2009-12-26T21:45:00.004+08:00

Thanks

Thanks to FaiFai for nv failing to be there for me every single time.
Thanks to Shearn for always doing whats best for me all the time.
Thanks to Eve for being my listening ear no matter wad.
Thanks to the K9 staff for being so understanding about everything.

Especially thanks to Qiyuan for doing so much for me. For every single thing. For being with me when I'm sad, for holding me in case I fall, for never letting me go. For showing me once again who I really am and letting me have the chance to love you. For not regreting every single thing and letting me not regret anything. If I had the chance to do it all over again, I will. We are one and the same. That will never change.

And thanks Issac. For teaching me to grow up. For letting me know, I was right all these time. That I was stupid, foolish and naive and to never do so again.

2009-12-26T20:39:00.003+08:00

Changes...

After today, I think everything's different. I have truely gone to where I cannot return. Last night's and this afternoon's mistakes will be carved in my heart. This is wad i understand now.

Qiyuan, you were right. I've juz been too used to being dominated by Issac. I'm sorry Shearn, that your efforts have been for naught. I won't betray myself or my heart, but what you saw last night is who I am now. No more guilts Qiyuan. Now we are truly one and the same.

There is no more confusion as to what Nikki feels and have to do. I am no longer accountable to anyone but myself. Even to you baby, I love you, and you're right, this is an easier life to live. And I'm sorry, I really am loose Grace. My heart only belongs to you, but my body to myself and my satisfaction.

Life has never looked better than today.

2009-12-25T22:36:00.002+08:00

Who I Am.

Everytime you complain that I go out with guys. So I stopped going out with them. You said I always attract many guys. So I tried hard not to. I didn't know wad I did to attract the guys that you say. But I did wadeva I could to stop.

I made myself unappealing to other guys. I felt that I was unappealing. My confidence level was zero. I hated myself. Everyday I wondered what happened to me? Why am I like that now?

And now. I've found myself again. I still have it in me to attract the guys. I'm not as disgusting as I thought I was. As YOU wanted me to think I was. Look at the guys around me now. Not appreciating me was your loss. I had so many people after me but I chose you. I changed myself for you. Knowingly and unknowingly, I changed and I became different person. A lesser person.

I dimmed myself so I wouldn't outshine you. I made myself less shiny so you wouldn't feel uncomfortable. I made myself look bad so you could look good.

Now, view me in my glory. View me in my element. This was what you gave up. This was wad I gave up to be with you. I may have lost touch. But I have not lost it.

This is what I am. Without you, I'm still whole.

2009-12-25T19:52:00.003+08:00

Christmas Past, Present, Future

As Christmas draws to an end, so does my hopes for the future. Right now, I realised that I have never changed. I'm just the same as before. Always waiting, never getting. Juz hoping to get a morsel of care and concern. Itz not that other people don't care. I have wonderful frens. Frens who will do anything for me. But itz not the same.

Girl, grow up. This Christmas your spending it alone with Bumbum. Let it forever remind you of who you cannot be, what you cannot do. Otherwise, Christmas for the rest of your life will be juz like this.

Itz time to put on that mask again dear. And this Christmas will serve to remind you to never take it off again. Not for anyone. If you do, then on your head be it. If you think itz worth all the hurt to get when you shed your mask for anyone, think again.

I'm back. And better than before.

No one is worth me feeling like this. Now all I have to do is to remember this.

Last Christmas, I gave him my heart.
This Christmas, I gave you my heart.
Next Christmas, I'm keeping my heart.

2009-12-25T16:13:00.002+08:00

Things I Could Do and Should Do

Got invitations to so many places juz cuz I said I was lonely for christmas. But all I really wan is to spend it with you baby. Haiz. I miss you so much already. I really can't imagines how days will be like without you.

Omg!! I'm so NEEDY!!

Gross! Snap out of it girl! No mood to blog already... Damn....

2009-12-25T14:43:00.002+08:00

Merry Christmas!

Christmas juz paled in comparison to my amazing week. I had so much fun eating at roadside stores and going to Kota Tinggi and meeting Frosti and getting to know new people lyk Jason and Ivan and everyone else.

Broke so many records my life is in shatters.

I met a Siberian Husky puppy last week. On an impulse I named him Frosti. Now I've grown so attached to him like dunno wad like that. I keep thinking he's mine and like, I really wanna have him. But he's in malaysia then there's like nothing I can do to bring him over. Oh well. I'll juz add him to the list of things that I cannot have. That list is like super long. Haha.

Christmas Eve at K9 was HECTIC! It was CHAOTIC!! Haha. At one point of time, there was only 3 handlers and 1 caretaker to 102 dog... !!!! It was totally crazy. Khai was real cool though. He usually looks so forbidding but actually he's pretty cool. And v lame and funny. Haha. And he goes crazy with cologne!! Like he totally went overboard today and I was like 'Itz too strong!' Haha. He was so paiseh.. =x So mean of me.

Christmas Countdown I spent it with Qiyuan and Jason and their frens that I dunno how to spell the names or dun even know at all. Countdown at Zirca was like super funny. People got so high counting down that the totally miss the timing by like dunno wad like that. Haha. It was fun. But not very enjoyable. =x Things were weird. And I totally wore the wrong dress today. Oh well... We left early anyway.

Christmas today... Seems like I'm gonna be all alone for Christmas. Nothing much to say about it la. Maybe something will happen b4 midnight and I'll get my christmas wish. Maybe wishes do come true. If only...

2009-12-24T07:33:00.002+08:00

Turmoil

I realise that usually when I'm very emotional I will keep blogging to keep my head straight. And I really am emotional now. I'm really confused as to what to do. I do not know if I've done right. I followed my heart and now I hope it will keep me from hurt.

Have to go to work. But I dun wanna work. I have no mood to work. I juz wanna have you by my side so I can keep smelling you. =x

I feels like in this week the dream has ended and things are as different as I thought they will be. Itz all so uncomfortable and weird. I wish you were here.

My feelings are driving me crazy pulling me here and there, left and right. I know I won't regret this. I hope you don't either.

Omgomgomg... God bless me ya? Give me the courage to hold on.

I remember the last time I kept blogging was also when I was single. And Faifai was telling me that he loves reading blogs that updates so often in a day. Oh well... I can't muster up long posts. Juz many short posts.

I can't wait to see Sherwin and get my pictures. SO exciting. I think he's a really good artist. Yea! And I wanna club again soon. It seems that everything looked better in dim lighting and getting high and drunk. Love the silly way you tried to carry me when we were drunk. Grace and Jason were laughing their asses off lo! Haha... Miss Jason. I never thought I will get drunk. Or even as high as that. I think the knock on my head helped in getting me like that. Oh well. We finished like half of the Chivas. It was fun. I'm glad I did it.

2009-12-24T06:47:00.002+08:00

A Single Christmas

Christmas is here! My fave holiday of the year. =D

Thinking about my past Christmas and I feel free. No more concerns about like wadeva. I can finally spend a worry free Christmas and not care if I was spending too much.

But now my big problem.

NIKKI IS ALL ALONE FOR CHRISTMAS!!!

At least Nikki still dunno if she has anything on for Christmas. Maybe Nikki will spend her day at work. Maybe Nikki can finally have a perfect Christmas. Or Maybe Nikki will be all alone.

Maybe wishes do come true. Itz Christmas afterall. Maybe I'll get to eat Turkey. Never had one before. Haha...

2009-12-24T01:51:00.002+08:00

A New Beginning

Thanks dear, for everything. For helping me get over him and encouraging me to eat when i couldnt. Thanks for holding my hand in case I fall and holding my hair when I vomited. Thanks for saying the right things at the right time and helping me through the week.

If it wasnt for you I dunno wad would have happened this week. If you hadnt make me eat I think I would have juz starved myself. Thanks for making the effort to choose the food that I like and for cooking for me juz so I will eat more. To be very honest I still can't eat now actually. I still have no appeitite for anything. I would have gladly gone a day without food. But I force myself to eat for you.

Itz cuz of you that I do not have scars on my palm. The times when i clenched my fist without knowing when I'm stoning or sleeping, thanks for trying so hard to pry my fingers open. Thanks for putting your hand there so that I will dig my fingers into your palm instead of mine. I'm sorry that I've hurt you. But thank you for keeping me from hurt.

I do not know if I didn't have you by my side through this week how would i have gotten through. If I didn't have you supporting me how deep into depression I would have fallen. It took me only a week to stand up becuz of you. Without you, I would probably still be murking my way through the aftermath of the ruined relationship.

Thank you. I love you.

2009-12-24T01:10:00.003+08:00

My Future.

Changed my blogskin and I'm LOVING it. =D

Life changed drastically over the past week. Things with Issac, itz over. And somehow, I think this is it. We started off wrong cuz I gave in too much. So much so that wad I did became unappreciated. Itz a long tedious story of our 3yrs together. I gave so much but got so little. When it ended, I felt lost. I centred my life around him and I lost my anchor. I pursued a course in business cuz of him, started working so hard for him, lost frens and family for him.

I won't make the same mistake again.

At least I hope I won't. My old skin juz expired and I had to change it. Seems like such a coincidence cuz I made my old skin juz for him. I stamped our love all over the skin and now that we broke up, it juz expired. Kind of like our love. I loved you baby. And you will always have a special place in my heart. But juz as your love for me that died, I think time will allow my love for you to fade.

So now I will start my life anew. Without you. Along the way, I will find someone. And this time. I dun wanna be the fool again.

2009-12-22T23:07:00.003+08:00

Love? Fuck It...

People say love is supposed to be beautiful. Then wad the fuck happened to mine? I think... I shuld juz give up. I'm never gonna find mine.

Fool and fooled again.

I seriously dun think love of any kind can exist. If it does, then I'm the most loving person I know. Cuz I juz keep giving love and not getting any back.

Juz lies all around. Forever is never. Look around. Love is juz an excuse for people to get together and fulfil nature's course for them.

You think love exist in nature? No. Animals may mate for life, but when time comes for one to be hurt and die, wad does the other do? Leave and find another mate.

Wad makes humans more superior or intellectual than animals? Wad makes us think we are their betters? Wad makes us so different from them? We are still animals at heart. We are no more sophisticated than them. Its the Mountain Ant story.

Life Sucks... I should juz live with it...

2009-11-06T17:37:00.003+08:00

I Am A Beef Patty

Besides feeling like I am ugly and round and flat like a beef patty, I think I have really become one. I am now sandwiched between Sam and Laura, one who wants me to come, and another who don't. Both asked for me to ignore the other and juz listen to them. But of course the meaner one says.

"I'm also your boss you know. Listen to me. I say you do not come then you dun come. Dun go ad tell my husband about it. Anything juz call me to tell me."

Horrible... I wanna go back to K9 to work... The bitches there are so much nicer and more adorable.

2009-10-24T14:13:00.002+08:00

My Horrible Colleague

What a super horrible person!!

I have a compulsive liar for a colleague!! On top of that she takes advantage of me!!! Yesterday when i came to work she say that it was a birthday yesterday and that she was very happy... Then she said that she have a very bad sore throat and she cannot work today cuz she really feel unwell...

RUBBISH!!!!

Her birthday is TODAY!!! So she purposely didn't want to come to work today cuz she want to take leave. But she lied to all of us. I'm sure if she told the truth Sam and Laura will be more than happy to give her a day off for her birthday. But she DIDN'T. Instead, she chose to lie.

Somemore everything is like preempted and she already prepared to lie yesterday to me so she say her birthday is yesterday when its actually today. It is juz lyk the last time during Deepavali when she wanted to spend time with her kids cuz I heard her say so. Then she give me some crap about meeting a client and want me to to go work. And then there is the other time when Bikram say that they have already finished work at around 2 or 3pm lyk that but she only reached the office at around 5 plus almost 6pm.

How big is Singapore anyway?? Did she WALK from the Yishun warehouse back here???

I only found out about today being her actual birthday cuz I'm doing the price tagging that she ask me to do, on top of everything else while she spends her day playing FB. In fact she is so lazy to the point where i ask her about the price of the furnitures she also cannot bother to get off her big fat butt to help me see.

She's juz lyk Puva. Hope she ends up the same as her. All she knows how to do is complain about Laura and tell me how bad Laura is and try to get me on her side. Actually even though Laura is a perfectionist she is not that bad lo. And all the crap about everything that she has done is not true lo... Is not she do de...

LIAR LIAR PANT ON FIRE!!!!!

2009-09-29T11:17:00.002+08:00

Wasted Time...

On a whim, I decided to visit your FB page today, I suddenly realised how much I used to love you. You were my best fren, I accepted you when others did not. I befriended you when others shied away, but in order to get closer to my frens, you sacrificed me. You bad-mouthed me to your frens whom YOU introduced to me in fear that they would prefer me over you. You bad-mouthed me to MY frens so that they will prefer YOU over ME. You made my life miserable. I could not forgive you for it. I hated you so much for ruining my life and I hated my frens who din trust me.

Unbeknown to me, I carried the hate for so many years within me.

I couldn't understand why you could do this to me. I loved you so much and cared for you so much. I couldn't always be there for you like you wanted me to, but I know I tried. I couldn't get over the way you treated me and I buried the hurt within me. All these time I distanced myself from you and the frens who treated me so contemptuously because of you. I know in the end they tried to make it up to me. But I told myself I din need frens who din trust me. Not even enough to to let me defend myself or explain myself or even let them know that wad you said were lies.

These I carried until now. You made me lose my faith in frens and I lost myself many many frenships that would have been lasting.

But today, I let go of everything. I forgive you for treating me like crap, for my frens who gave up on me, and even your sis and ex-bf who was ridiculous to flame me on this very blog. Because only now have I allowed myself to see that all those years ago, justice has actually been served and they have seen you for what you are. Everything ended years and years ago and its time for me to let go too.

You are not the first to have treated me like that. My stupidity lies in allowing people like you to hurt me time and again. But to me you hurt the most because you made me your stepping stone when I trusted and cared for you so much. I wasted so much time carrying these hate within me.

I know you are supposed to first forgive and then forget. Over these years I have forgotten.

But today...

I forgive.

I have forgiven...

2009-09-21T12:16:00.002+08:00

Happenings...

Ok... Many things happened recently, but since i din blog for so long tts lyk an understatement. =x haha...

lets see, firstly, in june i went clubbing with sy, lays and eve. Was ok lo.. At Rebel and this 2 groups of malay guys fighting knocked onto us and things were abit chaotic. Sy's fren got real drunk and cute. Haha..

The rest was pretty boring la, nothing much happening. But on 11th September something pretty major happened. I dun know where else I can talk about how I feel so I guess an abandoned blog is a good place to start. Me and Issac got into an accident with a bus. Motorbike VS Bus. I think it is pretty obvious who came off worse.

Not many people know about this incident and I do not really intend to tell them. I guess I dun really know where to start from. I dun even remember much about it, and if I tell them that I was in an accident everyone wants to know what happened. I'm not seriously injured or anything like that. It's juz that every time I think back on the incident i feel very stressed. No matter how hard I try to remember what happened, it's like the more time pass the less I remember and the emptiness in my chest seem to grow bigger.

At first, I couldnt sleep at night. Every time I close my eyes I see the bus coming towards us or I can feel the pain when the nurse clean my wounds. Every night when I sleep I dream of the accident. Except that I dun remember anything when I wake up. Now, at least I dun dream of the accident anymore. I juz dream of scary dreams and wake up terrified. Haiz, hope everything will be over soon...

My wound looks scary tho. It looks gross and yucky. I peeked at the doctor's report and it says that the wound is infected. My heart almost dropped out. Once when they opened the wound it was like secreting black stuff out. I juz feel so helpless and confused. Maybe thats why doctors have horrible handwriting, so that patients cannot peek and freak themselves out.

The wound feels better now tho, tender but better. Hopefully tml when they change the dressing it will be much much better. Maybe it will all be healed. I hope. It's been so hard for me to write all these down. Altho I no longer feel like crying when I think of the accident, the empty feeling I get cant seem to go away. I dun think I can ever ride a bike again. Now, sitting in the front seat of a car makes me terrified. Every time another car cuts into out lane I'm terrified we will hit it. I brace myself for the impact each time that occurs and it's wearing me out to be so tensed all the time. At least if I seat in the back seat I can concentrate on other things.

I juz wish for everything to be over and everything to be back the same it was. Hopefully, there wun be any scaring.

2009-04-27T21:14:00.007+08:00

Shit Load of Crap

ok... to begin with.. here's a damn chio photo of me on the poster for Face of 2009 at Downtown East. Issac was in tt modelling competition but photos will have to wait til lynn send them to me... =D

i muz post many many many of my photo cuz tts the only one tt i've got!! =( haha... but dun really look lyk me tho.. =(

next... i changed my phone! finally.. to the ice cream phone.. cost baby only $38.. kekeke.. one of my best buys EVER!!! haha

school has started and i'm already lagging behind.. i juz dun get all those mathematical modules and it totally sucks lyk shit... omg... sometimes i juz feel so dumdum...

on a happier note... i got A for my attachment!! hehe.. i dunno if i will get my performance bonus... haha.. lalala...

2009-04-13T11:43:00.002+08:00

My Wish List

~*~*~*~*~*~

I wish this hadn't happened.

I wish I could turn back time.

~*~*~*~*~*~

If I cry and get emotional,

I wish you knew that it isn't because you have hurt me.

I just needed to get it off my chest.

~*~*~*~*~*~

I need diversions, so I do want to hear about you,

but I also want you to hear about me.

I might be sad and I might cry,

but I wish you would listen to me too.

~*~*~*~*~*~

I know that you think of me often.

I also know that you know I miss you too.

But I wish you would let me know these things

through a phone call, an sms, or a real big hug.

~*~*~*~*~*~

I wish you wouldn't expect my grief to be over.

These times are traumatic for me,

but I wish you could understand that my grief will never be over.

I will suffer this until the day I die.

~*~*~*~*~*~

I am working hard to forget it all,

but I wish you could understand.

I will never fully recover,

ar least not as quickly as you want me to.

~*~*~*~*~*~

I wish you wouldn't expect me

"not to think about it" or "be happy".

Neither will happen for a very long time,

so don't frustrate yourself.

~*~*~*~*~*~

I know you don't believe me,

when I say "I'm quite sure it happened".

But I wish you wouldn't say,

"Just pretend that it didn't."

~*~*~*~*~*~

I wish you understood how my life has shattered.

I know it is miserable for you to be around me

when I'm feeling miserable.

Please be as patient with me as I am with you.

~*~*~*~*~*~

When I say, "It's okay",

I wish you could understand

that I don't "feel" okay.

~*~*~*~*~*~

I wish you knew that all these feelings

I'm having are very normal.

Depression, anger, hopelessness and overwhelming sadness

are all to be expected.

So please excuse me

when I'm quiet and withdrawn or irritable and cranky.

~*~*~*~*~*~

Your advice to "take it one day at a time" is excellent advice.

However,

a day is too much and too fast for me right now.

I wish you could understand

that I'm doing good to handle an hour at a time.

~*~*~*~*~*~

Please excuse me if I seem rude,

certainly not my intent.

Sometimes the world around me goes too fast

and I need to get off.

When I walk away,

I wish you would let me find a quiet place to spend time alone.

I wish you understood that I've changed.

~*~*~*~*~*~

i got this off this webpage which i felt was interesting.. it really touched my heart a certain way.. i couldnt put everything here becuz i'm not ready yet... so i changed a few things.. and hope tts okay...

2009-03-04T23:11:00.001+08:00

Day 2

We started off at Shaw Centre in the morning in our uniform which was issued to us on Day 1 where we completed our product knowledge training. We also tried to adjust the length of the watches using the tools provided. The seniors from Chomel Wisma Atria and Chomel Marina Square sat in for our training.

After our training, we were to proceed to our respective outlets after lunch. After lunch, I went to Chomel Marina Square where I was attached to for the duration of my ITP. I had a more indepth training wth my senior there and she did the Induction Programme with me. She told me that I would be tested on my Product Knowledge 3 days later and in the meantime to clarify any doubts with her.

2009-03-02T22:49:00.001+08:00

Day 1

first day of attachment!! hehe.. we have to make a log of wad we do each day... but my log book is with my boss.. so i tot of a use for my blog.. haha..

Today is the first day of my attachment and it was conducted at Chomel's Headquaters which is at Shaw Centre. Basically our trainer Kartinah when through with us the Corporate culture of Chomel and the product knowledge about watches, crystals and rhodium, freshwater pearls and south sea shell pearls. We were told what was expected of us for the Customer Service Requirements, Personal Grooming and the various Operational Techniques like the filling up of forms for Customer Service Form and packaging and storage of the products.

To round off the day's training, we were brought around the Chomel outlet along Orchard Road. We visited Madame Butterfly and a Chomel counter at Takashimaya and the Chomel Boutique at Wisma Atria. From there, we were released for the day.

2009-01-16T16:23:00.002+08:00

Crying and Laughing

had another weird dream last nite.. a dream that i cannot rmb.. hmmm.... but i woke up feeling very upset and crying... but weirdly happy... y cant i have normal dreams anyway?

super sianned.. life is lyk super boring nowadays.. nth to do at all..

i wanna go buy and toa payoh to buy bags.. and i wanna get a new phone. i wanna find a job and i wanna go to sleep...

everyday all i think about is I, I and I. i spend so much time thinking of myself, wad i want and wad i feel. i haven given much tot about others and wad do they wan and feel. are u guilty of these? hmmm....

totally falling asleep le... oh well...

2009-01-11T19:23:00.002+08:00

All The What Ifs... ...

haven been blogging for a long time cuz i'm lyk super bz... this is the first time since dunno how long that i get to spend the entire day at home. feels surreal.

had the weirdest dream the other nite.. i dreamt that i finally broke up with iz. and in order to take my mind off him, i did wad i used to do that made me such a bitch. i got tgt with another guy and ultimately hurt the 3 of us terribly. juz as i once did hurt someone so irreversibly.

I guess you are right. Perhaps I tend to do things to make guys misunderstand me. Not consciously, but maybe on a sub-conscious level I just need the assurance that I have at least one person to fall back on. Its a terrible thing I'm doing, and i know it. But sometimes I cant help but wonder... What if that time i really did break up with you and got together with someone else? Would things have changed? Would I be happier? And more importantly, would YOU be happier?

But I will never know the answers cuz the things are over and nothing can be changed. But sometimes as I lie alone in bed at night, I wonder if this was all my fault. I lament the loss of innocence that I could have in my relationships. I lament the loss of who we are and who we could have been in this relationship. I lament the loss of my childhood and innocence that was lost when i was forced to grow up and face the world.

I hate the person that I am. The calculating and shrewd person I was forced to become by circumstances. The insecurity that plagues me in whatever I do and wherever I go. The front that I use to hide behind so that I will appear strong and infallible. So that no one knows the person I truly am. Not you, and certainly not my friends even though I so badly want to take someone into my confidence.

People think that I am wild, street-smart, out-going, bold and daring. But no one knows the kind of person I really am behind all that. Nowadays, something is happening to me and I am terrified. There are blanks in my memory that I simply cant recall. My dreams are getting so vivid I'm starting to be unable to distingush them from real life. The stress I'm facing from the mistakes I made are slowly chipping me away. It is as if I am slipping away little by little even from myself no matter how hard I try to grasp onto who and what I am. It is like trying to hold on to water that is seeping away.

I am so so afraid that one day I will not know who I really am. That even the last vestige of me will slip away into nothingness and I will finally cease to exist.

I have made so many wrong decision in my life and I am truly sorry for every hurt that I have caused the people around me. Maybe this is karma and I am getting my retribution. But I cant help but wonder what if I did not do as I did then. Will I finally find happiness in what I want and the salvation I so seek in the process so I will not be what I am now? Or will I be lamenting then of the things I could have done with you and that I have given up for the vestige of happiness I thought I saw in someone else?

Yet there can be no end to all the What Ifs and What Will Happens. I just wish things were different but I will not change them for the world. For all I know, we have spent these 2 years quarrelling, but it may be these quarrels that held us together. Perhaps without these quarrels we would have been over a long time ago. I juz hope that I will get better soon. And that you will start being honest with me.

P.S. I love you forever and a day more.

2008-11-29T22:54:00.002+08:00

Angel for Christmas Eve

heez...

i'm gonna be an angel on christmas eve!

complete with wings and all... haven seen the costume yet tho... itz for a job!

good pay.. $20/hour

how cool is tt? i get to be an angel too.. haha..

oh well... in the mean time, i gotta go study.. and sleep.. heez..

2008-11-25T23:57:00.003+08:00

Lonely

this is the first time i ever felt lonely in a place with so many ppl

i hate myself for being afraid of so many things... hate myself for being weak... weak physically and mentally...

my heart is in a turmoil...

i juz wanna walk away... i nv knew it could be so difficult...

i love u so much.. n need u so badly... i juz wish u noe how badly...

i noe i'm very impt to u... itz juz tt everything else is juz as impt..

all i wan is for u stand with two feet on the ground and not look to fast cash...

we should be at the time where we r still the most impt ppl to each other.. but if rite now if already mean so little... then wad abt in the future? i would mean even less..

i juz dun understand y itz ok if u do something or say something to me.. but it is absolutely not ok if i do the same to u...

maybe itz the age gap.. tt lead to us having different goals in our relationship...

or maybe we are juz too different as a couple...

u feel tt i'm too intense... i feel tt u dun care...

i do believe that we should have life separate from each other... but yet the focus of our lives must be each other.. but u feel that a couple's life should only last as long as the honeymoon period...

i can nv stop taking u as the focus of my life... making u the first in every of my decision... but i can never be the focus of ur life...

neither of us are wrong in wad we want... but we are both wrong for this relationship...

we compromised so much in so many ways but yet never once could we agree on this...

i tried hard to only blog about happy things in my life.. but it was only when i made tt decision... did i realise that... there are so little times when i am happy...

so many promises, so little time...

without you, i lost my focus.
without you, i lost my way.
without you, there is nothing worth living for.

i'm not juz a responsibility.

you dun do something for me becuz you are someone to me.

i'm not a convenience, not an commodity.

i'm a human. a human complete with feelings and tots and hurts.

i come with a head and a heart.

a head that thinks and a heart that feels. sometimes wad i think and wad i feel point in 2 completely different directions and i need someone to show me the way.. always.. i have taken the way u asked me to go.

my heart will hurt when ppl are awful to me. n when it does, i need u to stand up for me and listen to my woes. i need u to encourage me, to tell me tt i'm rite even tho we both noe i may wrong juz as i have always done for u.

dun put me down when i am already down..

u nv wan to tell me anything and then u scream at me when i do something wrong... somehow, i dun think tts fair altho i really ought to be there for u no matter wad.

i have ears that listen. not juz hear, but listen. u dun have to scream to make me understand. u dun have to shout for every little thing. becuz not only i have ears, everyone else have ears too...

my eyes and my heart tear when i'm sad. itz not sth i can help. becuz u are the only person i can cry infront of. becuz u are the only one i wan to be there to hold me and tell me the world is really not such a terrible place to be in.

but now, ur arms are no longer there. leaving only callous words in itz place.

you have become selfish in ur wants. in making me give less to u to make u less guilty. in pushing me away to let u do wad u want. in never pausing in ur stride to see if i could keep up.

or have u always been lyk tt. except tt i was blind to it?

stubborn u may be but gentle still at first. now the gentle u have faded away leaving me to contend with only ur wrath...

time may cuz the hurt to fade away. perhaps love fade the same way too?

will life fade the same away?

despite my pleas, u still do wad u think is rite. and leave me yet once again alone. ur actions have never shown the place u say i hold in ur heart.

u promised to walk life's journey with me, u promised to never hurt me. u promised to hold my hand and never let go, u promised to always be there for me.

yet today, u turned ur back on me. u callously threw my hand away. u pushed me away when i needed u most.

left alone i wandered. to where we were b4.. u made me realise tt i cannot live without u. but also that life goes on as per normal for u regardless of my presence.

now i noe exactly where do i stand. i completely cannot function without u. but u... u can play basketball can play majong...

my eyes, my nose, my head and my heart hurts. but wads hurting u is ur pocket.

i've tot of wad i want lyk u said. and wad i want is not u. yet i love u.

how stupid can i be?

2008-11-12T03:21:00.003+08:00

101 Things

i haven been blogging for so long and so much has happened. my birthday came and went n i din even have time to blog abt it!! =( thats y i'm blogging now at this unearthly hour.

hmm first eventful thing is tt People Management approached me and said that they would lyk to represent me as my agent... meaning i'm gonna be a model!! how cool is tt?? i have done the relevant research and determined that they are really the pros.. in fact, they even sponsored MSW. how much more pro can they be? so yes.. hopefully, i can embark on this career and move on to bigger things!!

which brings me on to another topic. i juz realized recently that i haven had a morsel of me time. i've been so busy with school, work, issac and various misc that i dun have time for myself. i used to lie in bed at night cooking up fantasies.. yes yes. i really am tt childish but fantasies are wad makes the world go round.. so yes.. fantasties. of everything under the sun. but suddenly, i realised that i haven tot of one for lyk the longest time! in fact, i cant even rmb wad was my last. they used to help me sleep at nite. i would fall asleep thinking abt it and end up dreaming it. but nowadays, i juz fall asleep straight away and i dun dream at all... haiz... my life is getting sad.

but anyway... once again... i wanna thank fai fai for always being there... rain or sunshine. u have helped me in so many ways and i really love u lots. itz so rare to have a fren lyk u. i'm so sorry that sometimes i am so busy that u forgot abt u. but u nv forgot me and i would receive ur msges almost every other nite tho most of the time i'm too tired to reply u. but really thanks alot. i'm really grateful for having a fren lyk u.

okok... now i'm really super tired... lots of love to the dearies who still read my blog.

hugz and kisses

2008-09-24T00:04:00.003+08:00

SHHH!!!

i got a naval piercing!!! issac's not happy abt it... but he says itz ok so nvm...

itz silver titanium with hot pink and pale pink swaroski crystal and itz a HEART!

dearest carmen offered to split it with me for my birthday present.. heez.. the total bill was $155!!!

so.. if u cant think of a birthday present for me... heez... u can offer to pay the other half for me... which is 70plus and u can get someone else who noes me to split with u! haha then i wun have to pay a single cent... i'm so bad...

i was considering between this heart shaped one or a normal 2 ball one which is hot pink titanium with dark pink swaroski crystal.. itz only $65 including piercing... but i think this one look better... and it is more unique... the price oso higher wor... =x original price was $115 then including piercing is $155 which is $40 lo.. freaking ex...

i actually quite like this blue titanium with dark blue swaroski crystal.. but blue is not really my type.. especially since i wun be able to change it for lyk half a year at least or even more than a year....

it hurt a little... actually... alot when the needle went in... budden after tt itz not so bad la.. infact it doesnt hurt anymore le.. haha... juz abit sore... especially when i laugh... haha..

but i'm tired now.. gonna sleep lo! lotsa love!

2008-09-21T22:54:00.001+08:00

Free Cosmetics!!!

go go go go! WIN FREE COSMETIC!! even if u dun wan.. can sign up and give it to me if u win!

guys welcomed to join..

=D

2008-09-08T15:25:00.002+08:00

Busy Like a Bee

wahaha

now there's only 4 ppl reading my blog per day. how cool is that? i have a very good idea on who these 4 are... my bestest frens!! heez...

anyway.. i've been super busy!! so many things... so little time.. baby is having his second op now.. so boring... oh well...

i dun really noe wad to blog.. juz wanted to do something.. haha.. hmm...

anyway... i juz saw jacquiline.. if thats how you spell it.. i'm totally clueless anyway... i juz saw her on xiaxue's video on auditions for a bff... so fun... i wanted to audition too!! but aiya.. lazy... hahaha... or rather i forgot abt it.. heez...

anyway.. i'm gonna go back to sleep.. more updates soon soon

2008-08-20T13:14:00.002+08:00

I Can't Stand It!!!

baby juz finished his operation and is at home now... hmmm... so sian... he cant play basketball anymore le... i think he's very disappointed..

but the thing i cant stand. i cant stand the fucking bitch!! i hate her so very much... haiz... i dunno.. is it worth it to break up with him becuz of his mother?

i mean... i dunno... i cant tolerate her anymore.. she's so unreasonable!!! i juz dunno in way have i offended her other than the fact that i'm her son's gf... i cant stand her scolding me anymore! i cant imagine having to live with her for the rest of my life... i think i will go crazy.. if not for the fact that she is an old lady and i need to respect her, and that she is my bf's mother and i need to tolerate her... i'll give her a good dressing down... i'm juz so fucking irritated...

i dun think she deserves my respect at all.. and i really dun want to keep quiet any more...

i feel lyk screaming at her and slap her...
i wan to pay her back for every thing she has done to me...
i wan to throttle her and make her see sense!!!

i've never been so irritated my someone
i've never been treated lyk tt by anyone
i've never hated someone quite as much as i hate her now...

i feel so bottled up and i feel so terrible!!! on one hand i feel lyk venting my anger on her juz to make myself feel better... on the other hand i feel very bad for wanting to treat someone lyk tt..

haiz... i juz hate her... she made my life so miserable..

2008-08-06T00:25:00.004+08:00

2 Years Of Memories

our love started under a blaze of fireworks at the esplanade

where unknown to you, i had the amazing urge to juz lie on ur chest and watch the fireworks blaze above us. but at that time, you were not mine.

in the beginning, you were my piggy zhuzhu

i loved you so very much and was willing to follow to the ends of earth if need be. and i still do. no matter how much we quarrel and how badly it was. at the end of it, i never regretted being with you.

from my piggy zhuzhu, you became my baby

i still love you very much. i still wanna walk to the ends of earth with you. because i noe that as long as you are by my side, you will never let me come to harm.

this was our first token of love. i put them in a silver pouch and asked you to choose. you picked the babyboy and i got that babygirl. i noe you were disappointed, so was i. but one day, you secretly switched them! blur me din realised til later that now i've got the babyboy and you have got the babygirl. in a tussle, babyboy was accidently spoilt and i was so upset. but luckily the damage was not permanant and now babyboy is perfectly fine.

our second token of love was this pair of rings. it was supposed to replace the ring that you once had but lost. but baby was too clever and noticed too quickly that there was 2 of them.

the next big event was the MSW. baby dressed up so nice to go for the interview with me.

i hardly ever see you so well dressed. and i was really impressed. thanks baby, for going with me and waiting for me at the Home Team-NS at Ah Hood Road. the weather was so hot but you still had to stay there for so long to wait for me to finish the interview.

at the end of the competition, i did not even get thru to the finals, only the semi finals, but still, u waited hours for me to finish rehearsals, juz to spend a little more time with me. u really did alot for me and i really noe that too. despite being sick, you still spent the whole day at Burger King juz to give me moral support on the day of the competition. i juz wanna say thank you and i love you baby.

i went with you to order the new skates and i got bored and started snapping photos. baby, i juz want you to noe that i'm really proud of you. i noe it is not easy to handle so many things at once. i noe u are very stressed too. but still you can always find time to be there for me. no matter how difficult the times are, you still try to fulfil all my wishes.

i said that i wanted to go to Changi Airport to eat Popeye Chicken. and u had no hesitation in going all the way there with me juz to eat it. you did so many things for me i have no idea how can i do in turn for u.

the last major event that we went to together this year was to my school's Bazzar by the Lake. i noe it was pretty boring for you.

i mean u fell asleep while taking photos with me cuz you were so tired. but i forced you to wake up to entertain me.

and you really did try so hard to stay awake. that day, i wanted to do a belly piercing with carmen when she did her rook piercing. but u look so unhappy with me that i didnt dare to do so.

i noe u dun really wan me to get a belly piercing, but u noe that i wanted very much to do so and u tried to give in to me. i could see that you were really unhappy about it. in the end, i didnt do it. baby, i juz wan u to be happy juz as you wan me to be. no matter how much i really wan the piercing, it is also not very important. u didnt wan me to do it cuz ur afraid it will not heal properly, and i can understand that. thats y, in the end, i chose to not do it. and i wun regret my decision.

i noe often i am very demanding. but still everytime, you give in to me. no matter wad i did or say, at the end of the day u still forgave me. this year was a very difficult year for the both of us. it was a year where many quarrels occurred. times are difficult, but still me managed to hold on.

many times, we wanted to give up. i wanted to give up. for many reasons. i felt that i was ur burden, i felt that you will be happier without me breathing down ur neck, you felt that i was better off without you. but still, it was our love that kept us together. it was the same love that enabled u to do silly things for me.

jus to see me smile.

no matter wad happens baby, we have been together for 2 years now, this year has not been easy, and there has been much unhappiness. we didnt really go out much, but we were happy. no matter how difficult times are, you are always here for me. i hope that i can be there for you too.

difficult this year has been, but we both live for the flashes of happiness that is sprinkled all over the year. our love has held us together for so long, it has really proven to be strong. this is juz the beginning, and there are many more of such years to come.

we will skate together to the ends of the world together. because i noe you will hold my hand right til the end and still not let go.

i love you
happy 2 years anniversary baby.

2008-08-05T21:52:00.002+08:00

A Better Future

i guess my previous post was abit kua zhang la... i'm still super depressed and i really dun wanna study... but i think i'm not as suicidal is before... haha..

juz recovered from a fever that plagued me for almost 2 weeks. maybe that was wad made me so suicidal. i was delirious with fever. anyway, the cause of the fever was a throat infection which hasn't fully recovered yet. but at least no more fever.

i feel reborned. if there is such a word. exams coming. i'm not at all prepared. i really wanna study. but i juz dun feel lyk doing it and i cant get myself to study til the last minute. i should have taken my own advice and chosen a course of study that i was interested in rather than one that is practical. haiz. but i guess wads done is done and i juz have to live with it.

tml will be me and baby's 2 years anniversary. i dun think we are gonna spend it tgt. but i have already given him his present on saturday and we already celebrated it in advance.

baby is gonna go for an op on his knee and i really hope that everything will go well. so that his knee will not give him any more trouble. i juz hope that after that op, he can continue to play basketball. otherwise i noe life will be very bleak for him. afterall he is only 22 this year.

i'm still not sure if i made the right decision. but at least for now. we are happy.

2008-07-28T15:52:00.002+08:00

Thanks

hmm.. i juz wanna thank my frens for everything.. i'm really sorry for making you all worry abt me.. but i'm fine.. juz delirious with fever tts all.. =D but having taken med n stuff i'm fine le.. so dun worry kkz?

i shall go back to sleep now kkz? cuz i'm juz too sleepy le..

2008-07-25T01:27:00.003+08:00

A Last Cry For Help

I just want to thank all my friends for their help, and I want to apologize for everything. Especially to my parents. I screwed up my life for a guy. From the beginning, I knew it was wrong, but I really thought that love could conquer all. I just want to say sorry for what i have done. I'm just too tired. My school results are terrible, I have no life besides him. I really do not know what to do with my life anymore.

Baby, all I can say to you is that I do not regret anything that I did for you. I knew that this would be the result but I still did it. I loved you more than anything. I just want to say sorry for lying to you. But I just cannot take this anymore.

Please forgive me.

2008-07-01T21:20:00.002+08:00

Terrible Le La!!!

omg i dunno wad the hell is wrong with me, i guess... i dunno la.

i dun wanna go sch! so sian, tml after school i gotta do project then work. then thurs and wed oso after school work... saturday work again, full day some more, but at least i will get my pay on saturday. then sunday go for the wedding.

super sian.

the rest of my school life is probably gonna be lyk tt. study work, work study. i need to discuss with Teresa abt the online shop thing, and if Angel is really serious abt starting a shop with me, then i'm gonna have to juggle another thing. i guess if ur money faced lyk me then u gotta suffer for it lo.

i guess if i work hard now then next time i dun need to suffer so much later?

i hope so

argh! juz god bless me to give me the strength to go on...

2008-07-01T09:32:00.002+08:00

CrackedHead

i'm seriously tired.. besides studying i still have to juggle my time with with baby and hold down practically 2 jobs.. i think auntie gonna kill me cuz i keep changing my work time with her... at the same time i still need to help baby out in Airborne to teach and stuff...

everyone noes my skating sucks! i cant even brake.. god bless me... haiz... super duper tired...

and the worse thing is i hit my head and itz super painful! i got a huge lump on my head and i'm having a very bad headache all the time... scarly i cracked my skull or sth.. haha.. budden it will be more painful than juz a headache la... haha

and... i have alot of good frens! they help all they can even if it includes me bending their ears to my troubles... i love u guys lots. especially faifai who helped me in a way tt no one else could. no way i can express my thanks to u all except tt i will promise to always be there for u all whenever possible kkz?

muackzz to u all... hugs and kisses dearies

2008-06-23T07:55:00.002+08:00

When Will It All End???

baby baby... i only wan this all to be over.. in the blink of an eye, we realise tt we have been going thru this for almost a year le..

in the beginning, i really did not think that i will be able to go thru this with you. i hoped with all my heart that i will be strong enough. i know that despite all the things that you do, i will still love you no matter what. but wad i am afraid of is that i wun be able to support you anymore. i know that my love for you is definitely strong enough. but am i?

a year has past, and i have proven not only to u or myself, but to the people around you that despite everything, i have truely stuck by you and have been by your side. many times i tot that i wasnt good enough, wasnt strong enough, wasnt simply good enough for you. many a times i sincerely tot of breaking up with you becuz i felt that i was a burden to you and becuz i felt that ur life will be easier without me by ur side. and time and again, u have also proven ur love to me. and thats y we have been together for so long.

our 2nd anniversary is approaching soon and u are finally getting out of NS. i really cannot wait. i noe i can be demanding at times, but sometimes, u really dun take me seriously until i throw a tantrum. u dun listen to me when i ask for something from you, until i throw my temper. as with the sbo thing, u promised time and again to stop and the timestop came and went and still u din stop. all you did was promise me that you will stop one day in the future. u finally stopped for all of a month after i threw a fit at you. but u never really stopped til i threatened to breakup with you. i guess all this resulted in me getting into a habit of demanding things from you rather than asking. i really hope you will forgive me.

in the months that come, i really hope that you will make good ur promise to me. perhaps when u finish NS, and get down to settling ur company things will be better. but rite now, i guess the only thing i can do is scarifice the time we have tgt and work harder and hope that things will improve soon.

i know that you dun feel good abt this too. i know the situation u r going thru oso. i really hope that you will be honest with me and dun keep me in the dark abt so many things, especially such things.

i juz wanna tell u that i love you baby. no matter wad we go thru, no matter wad you do or say, i still love you. i love everything abt you right down to that ugly scar on ur tummy. heez... itz all going to end soon rite? all this horrible things are going to end soon rite? i hope this meant tt our relationship can endure anything...

P.S. I love you.
P.P.S. Wish you were here.

2008-06-17T03:43:00.002+08:00

itz 3am rite now
there's no title on this post
i cant get to sleep
all i wanna say is
stop making me look bad

maybe cuz i have been tolerating so long and i juz cant take it anymore and i am juz looking for thorns in ur words. but u cannot deny that it does really seem so intentional or not. i dunno wads going on in the relationship anymore. maybe this is juz an obstacle for us to overcome together. maybe at the end we will come out stronger than before. i really hope so. cuz i really dun think so.

i feel so horrible n terrible and unreasonable tt itz eating me up.

i'm i really that horrible a person as u make me out to be?
have u even convinced me that i am that horrible?
i wish u will juz shut the hell up and get out.
this is our relationship.
not yours.